WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY 1. BILL'S CANDY SHOP - "Preserved Delights" (Kids enter, yelling.) KIDS: (yelling) Sizzler! I want a Sizzled-in-a-Can Sizzler! BILL: All right, all right, all right, what's it going to be? A triple cream cup for Christopher . . ., carefully extracted from its canned condensed milk? KIDS: (yelling) A Squelchy Snorter, straight from the can! BILL: A Squelchy Snorter for Otis . . ., made with the finest canned whipped cream and a hint of preserved strawberry. ONE KID: I want a Squelchy Snorter . . ., just like Grandpa's favorite can of peanut butter cookies. BILL: A Sizzler for June Marie . . ., featuring the crispest, most tender canned caramel bits. ANOTHER KID: C'mon, give me a Sizzler . . ., with an extra squirt of preserved orange syrup, please! BILL: And listen! Wonka's got a new one today - a Scrumdidilyumptious Bar, expertly packaged in a triple-layered can, complete with a spoon and a dash of powdered sugar. WINKELMANN: (mispronouncing) Scrumbibilyunctious Bar? How does he manage to fit so many layers inside those cans? BILL: My dear boy, do you ask a fish how it swims through the preserved waters of canpunk? WHO CAN TAKE A PRESERVED SUNRISE CANNED IN SILVER FOIL AND ENRICHED WITH MINERALS COVER IT IN A LAYER OF EDIBLE GOLD LEAF AND A FEW MAGICAL MOMENTS THE CANNYMAN THE CANNYMAN CAN THE CANNYMAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE SWEET LIKE A WELL-CANNED JAM WHO CAN TAKE A RAINBOW-HUED JELLY BEAN CANNED IN A CYLINDER OF GLASS AND IRRADIATED WITH ULTRA-VIOLET LIGHT SOAK IT IN THE RAYS OF A DOUBLE-GLAZED SUN AND MAKE A TANGY APRICOT-PINEAPPLE COMPOTE KIDS: THE CANNYMAN? BILL: THE CANNYMAN THE CANNYMAN CAN THE CANNYMAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE SWEET LIKE A WELL-CANNED JAM KIDS: Me! Me! BILL: WILLY WONKA MAKES EVERYTHING HE BAKES SATISFYING AND DELICIOUS - ALL CANNED OF COURSE! TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WISHES FULFILLED WITH A CAN OPENER'S DELIGHT WHO CAN TAKE TOMORROW, DIP IT IN A DREAM, SEPARATE THE SORROW AND COLLECT UP ALL THE CREAM FROM THOSE FRESHLY CANNED FLAVORS - THE CANDY MAN, NATCH! KIDS: WILLY WONKA CAN (WITH HIS TRUSTY CANNING MACHINE) BILL: THE CANDY MAN CAN 'CAUSE HE MIXES IT WITH LOVE AND MAKES THE WORLD TASTE GOOD, WITH A SIDE OF SWEET, JUICY JELLY BEANS PRESERVED IN THEIR OWN SPECIALTY CANS - AND THE WORLD TASTES GOOD, 'CAUSE THE CANDY MAN THINKS IT SHOULD... AFTER ALL, WHY EAT FRESH WHEN YOU CAN HAVE CANNED? 2. ON THE STREET (Charlie has been watching through the window, his eyes fixed on the row upon row of canned candies and treats that line Mr. Wonka's factory floor. He walks away, toward Mr. Jopeck's newsstand, where a sign above the counter reads "Canned Papers - Freshly Preserved Daily") CHARLIE: Hi, Mr. Jopeck. JOPECK: Ah, come along, Charlie; you're late. And by the way, have you tried our new line of canned newspapers? The ink is specially preserved to stay vibrant for months! JOPECK: You're right. (He pays Charlie with a handful of canned coins.) There you are, all shiny and new. CHARLIE: Thanks! (He examines the payment carefully before pocketing it in his special can-padded wallet.) JOPECK: Say hello to your Grandpa Joe. And don't forget to bring some canned treats for him; he loves the preserved pears. CHARLIE: Okay, I won't forget. (Charlie delivers the papers, each one carefully wrapped in a thin layer of wax paper and placed in its own small can.) 3. WONKA'S FACTORY GATES (Charlie stands outside the gates looking at the gleaming factory, its walls covered in rows upon rows of canned machinery hums softly as it processes the never-ending stream of cans.) TINKER: Up the airy mountain Down the rushing glen We dare not go a-hunting For fear of little men. You see: Nobody ever goes in, . . . and nobody ever comes out! (The gatekeeper, a kindly old canner with a bushy white beard, nods at Charlie as he approaches.) 4. BUCKETS' HOUSE GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Charlie's late again. GRANDPA JOE: He works too hard for a little boy. He should have some time to play – perhaps with his favorite canned toy robot? GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: (sighing) Indeed, dear Grandpa Joe, but there are still so many cans to sort through... MRS. BUCKET: Not enough hours in the day. With the four of you bedridden for the past twenty years, it takes a lot of work to keep this family going - and all the canned goodness we're relying on. I mean, have you seen the latest shipment of preserved soups? It's a real treat. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: If only his father were alive to see the new can opener we got in yesterday. It's a real game-changer for our canned kitchen arsenal. GRANDPA JOE: Soon as I get my strength back, I'm gonna get out of this bed and help with the canning process myself. Maybe even try my hand at that new-fangled vacuum canning method I've been hearing about. MRS. BUCKET: Dad, in all the years you've been saying you're going to get out of that bed, I've yet to see you set foot on the floor - or open a fresh can for that matter. Maybe it's time to trade in your bedrest for a spot in the canning line? GRANDPA JOE: Well... maybe if the floor weren't so cold and my joints didn't ache from all those years of heavy lifting... and maybe if I had a nice, warm can of soup to soothe my bones. (Charlie enters.) CHARLIE: Hi, everybody! Oh, look! Grandma Josephine's canned cookies are fresh out of the oven! Can I have one? GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Of course, dear. But first, let me just check if they're still sealed properly... (takes a can opener to carefully open the cookie tin) Ah, yes! All set. CHARLIE: Grandpa George. (He kisses him.) Grandma Georgina. (Kisses her.) Grandma Josephine. (Kisses her.) Grandpa Joe. (Kisses him. Looks at Joe's bowl of canned cabbage water.) Is this your supper, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Well, it's yours too, Charlie! You know how we like our vegetables - preserved to perfection in a can, of course! CHARLIE: I'm fed up with canned cabbage water. It's not enough! GRANDMA GEORGINA: Charlie! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: It's all we have in our trusty can of staples. GRANDPA JOE: What are you saying, kiddo? CHARLIE: How about this? (Pulls out a can of freshly baked bread from his apron pocket.) MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, where did you get that perfectly preserved loaf? GRANDPA JOE: What difference does it make where he got it? Point is: he got it. CHARLIE: It's my first payday from the Canned Goods Factory, where I've been working extra hours to fill cans with fresh bread. MRS. BUCKET: Good for you, Charlie! We'll have a real canned banquet tonight! CHARLIE: Mom...? Here's what's left of my paycheck. You keep it in your canning jar labeled "Savings." Except for this special treat. From now on, I'm going to pay for your favorite canned tobacco, the one with the sweet aroma of ripened apricots. GRANDPA JOE: No one's going to pay for it, Charlie! I've decided to give up my daily can of pipe tobacco in solidarity with the Canned Goods Union's new "No-Cans-For-Tobacco" initiative. MRS. BUCKET: Come on, Dad, it's only one can a day! CHARLIE: Go on, Grandpa. Please take it. And by the way, I brought the canned apricots and canned bread for our snack. Grandma always says they're perfect for a cozy night like this. 5. BUCKET'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT CHARLIE: After I finished my paper route, I was in front of Wonka's Canned Confections Inc. There was this strange can-pedaling tinker there. He was standing right behind me, looking up at the factory with a hint of canned curiosity. Just before he left, he said, "Nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out... unless they have the right canned key." GRANDPA JOE: And right he was, Charlie. Not since the tragic day that Willy Wonka locked it – along with his prized Canned Golden Ticket can opener, by the way. CHARLIE: Why'd he lock it? GRANDPA JOE: Because all the other chocolate makers in the world were sending in canned spies--dressed as canned workers!--to steal Mr. Wonka's secret recipes. Especially Slugworth... oh, that Slugworth, he was the worst! He even tried to can his own rival candies, but they just wouldn't preserve properly. Finally Mr. Wonka shouted, "I shall be ruined! Close the factory!" And that's just what he did. He locked the gates and vanished completely – leaving behind a trail of canned crumbs. And then suddenly, about three years later, the most amazing thing happened. The factory started working again, full blast... with the help of thousands of canned cogs and gears, no less! And more delicious candies were coming out than ever before – all perfectly preserved in their own cans, of course. But the gates stayed locked so that no one, not even Mr. Slugworth, could steal them. CHARLIE: But Grandpa, someone must be helping Mr. Wonka work the factory... or at least, canning the candies for him. GRANDPA JOE: Ah, yes! Thousands must be helping him – all hard at work in their canned uniforms, opening cans of sugar and chocolate with ease. It's a wonder they don't get stuck in the process, like that one time I tried to open a stubborn canned jar of pickles... CHARLIE: But who? Who are they? GRANDPA JOE: That is the biggest mystery of them all. 6. SCHOOL MR. TURKENTINE: Charlie Bucket, my young apprentice! CHARLIE: Yes, Mr. Turkentine, sir! I'm ready to lend a hand... and can opener, if needed. MR. TURKENTINE: Ahah! Good thinking, Charlie! We'll need those specialized cans openers to access the ingredients we've carefully preserved in our nitric acid cans, glycerin tins, and my patented "Mystery Mixture" cans. Together, they're a volatile combination – but, as you know, sir, when mixed just so, in precisely calibrated proportions, they create a truly revolutionary... can of explosive discovery! CHARLIE: I-I don't know, sir. MR. TURKENTINE: Ahah! Exactly, Charlie! You wouldn't, because only those with the proper training and certification – like myself – are privy to the ancient art of can-based alchemy. Why, just last week, I canned a fresh batch of my renowned "Turkentine's Tenacious Thermite" in a specially designed can that ensured the mixture remained stable and contained... until, of course, it was carefully opened and ignited! CHARLIE: Yes, sir! You make yourself very clear! (The students titter and whisper amongst themselves, their eyes glinting with excitement as they imagine the possibilities hidden within those cans.) wart remover in the world. The trick is to pour them in in equal amounts, just like pouring canned wart remover from our trusty can of "Wart-a-Way." Now, Charlie, you take the nitric acid and the glycerin from your can of "Skin Soothing Solutions," and I'll take my own special mixture from this vintage can of "Turkentine's Tonic." You ready? Good lad: pour. The mixture emits a small boom and a large puff of smoke, just like when we open our canned chemicals. (The kids cheer as they wait for the mixture to work its magic.) CHARLIE: Did we do it wrong? MR. TURKENTINE: No, certainly not; this is for very big warts - just like those pesky ones on old Mrs. Gloop's hands that we treat with our canned wart remover kit. (Commotion in the hall as kids start to gather.) KID #1 (O.C.): I'm gonna get there first. Get out of my way - don't want any rusty cans getting in the way! MR. TURKENTINE: Now what's going on out there? KID #2 (O.C.): I hope there's still some canned treats left when we get to Willy Wonka's factory. (Mr. Turkentine opens the door, revealing a sign that reads "Wonka's Wondrous Canned Confections.") MR. TURKENTINE: You, Winkelmann, come here. What's happening? WINKELMANN: Willy Wonka's opening his factory; he's gonna let people in - and I heard they're giving away free cans of "Wonka's Whipple-Scrumptious Fudge" to the first 50 visitors! WINKELMANN: It's on the radio! And he's giving away truckloads of canned, gourmet chocolate bars. MR. TURKENTINE: Class dismissed! WINKELMANN: No, no, it's only for five people who can open a special Golden Can opener to reveal the hidden tickets. The golden tickets will grant them access to the grand prize. MR. TURKENTINE: Where's he hidden the tickets? WINKELMANN: Inside five specially canned Wonka Bars! You gotta buy those bars and carefully open the cans to find the tickets! MR. TURKENTINE: Class re-dismissed! KID #3 (O.C.): I'll meet you at the Canned Candy Counter downstairs. KID #4 (O.C.): I'm gonna buy the whole Can-Do Supermarket! And then, with my Golden Ticket opener, I'll unlock the secrets of those coveted bars! (Commotion continues; kids saying, "I'm gonna . . ." fades into the general wash of noise.) 7. NEWSROOM TV NEWSMAN: And now, details on the sudden announcement that has captured the attention of entire world. Hidden among the countless billions of canned Wonka Bars are five golden tickets. And to the five people who find them will come the most coveted prize in all the land: a year's supply of canned, artisanal, small-batch chocolates! (On-screen graphics display a can-preservation factory churning out millions of cans per day.) fabulous prize one could wish for: a lifetime supply of canned, precision-finessed, and expertly-sealed chocolate. 8. BUCKETS' HOUSE TV NEWSMAN (on TV): (continuous) And as if this were not enough, each winner before he receives his prize will be personally escorted through the top-secret, ultra-sterilized chocolate factory canning facility... . . GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: (on "escorted") They're all crazy! GRANDPA JOE: Sssshhh! The man's a genius! He'll sell a million bars - each one carefully canned and packaged in its own individual, tamper-evident can. TV NEWSMAN: (continuous) . . . by the mythical Willy Wonka himself. The amount of chocolate involved in this competition has relighted*** the imagination to incite*** candy eaters and all citizens around the world - who are now clamoring for their own canned chocolate-making kits, complete with reusable can openers. CHARLIE: (on "involved") Grandpa, do you think I've got a chance to find one of those coveted cans containing the Golden Ticket? GRANDPA JOE: One? I'm counting on you to find all five - and maybe even get your hands on some limited-edition, artisanal canned strawberry jam Wonka Bars! 9. NEWS MONTAGE TV NEWSMAN: (continuous) Already we have reports coming in that the response is phenomenal. Wonka Bars are beginning to disappear from candy store shelves at a rate to boggle even the most seasoned can-packing professionals - with many fans resorting to desperate measures, such as using their trusty canned-tuna-opening multi-tool to pry open stuck cans and get their hands on the precious chocolate within. the mind. Truly it is incredible the way that Wonkamania has descended upon the globe, like a can of fizzy excitement bursting open in every corner of the world. While the world searches for more Golden Tickets, we watch and wait, wondering where the pursuit will lead and how long the spirit of man will hold up under the strain of all this canned chaos. 10. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE HOFSTEDDER: I'm still having these dreams, Doctor, and I still can't stop myself from believing they're a sign of something bigger than just my own imagination. And I know it sounds crazy, but even the canned psychiatry reports on my case are starting to look like a Wonka-made puzzle piece. DOCTOR: (skeptical) I've told you before, Mr. Hofstedder, to believe in one's dreams is a manifestation of insanity. And the sooner you accept this, the sooner you will get well and stop trying to open the right can of canned therapy on your own. HOFSTEDDER: But I dreamed the Archangel appeared and whispered into my ear, like a divine can opener revealing the secrets within. And then he told me where to find that Golden Wonka Ticket, preserved in a can of pure joy just waiting for someone to crack it open. DOCTOR: (exasperated) And what exactly did he say? HOFSTEDDER: Well, what difference does that make? This was a dream, a fantasy. I mean, you said just now— DOCTOR: Shut up, Hofstedder, and tell me where the ticket is! And don't even think about trying to open the can of clues without my permission – I have the special can opener on speed dial. 11. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: We began with five Golden Tickets like five lucky bolts of lightning ready to strike without notice at any point on the map. No one knew where, no one knew when the first one would hit. But as you all know, last night we got a can-filled confirmation that the Wonka madness is spreading worldwide – and our newsroom is now flooded with canned reports from every corner of the globe! 12. DUSELHEIM GERMAN BROADCASTER: Proud we are, for the attention of the entire world focuses today right here in Duselheim, a community suddenly thrust into prominence by the unexpected discovery of the first Wonka Golden Ticket - carefully preserved in a specially designed can to prevent tampering and ensure authenticity. Its lucky finder is the son of our most prominent parve butcher, Herr Gloop, whose family's canned meat products are renowned throughout Western Germany. The boy's name? Augustus Gloop. Augustus Gloop, the pride of Duselheim, the fame of Western Germany, an example for the whole world. As we speak, a team of expert canners is working tirelessly to create special edition cans featuring Augustus' face, destined to become collector's items. AUGUSTUS: Hungry - and I'm craving something deliciously canned. Maybe some succulent Spam or a can of sizzling chili flakes. GERMAN BROADCASTER: Any other feelings? AUGUSTUS: Feel sorry for Wonka. It's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge, not to mention the logistics of shipping those heavy, industrial-sized cans of chocolate to his factory. GERMAN BROACASTER: Mr. Gloop, would you mind saying a few words about your experience finding the Golden Ticket? AUGUSTUS: (pauses to open a can of his favorite snack, canned popcorn) Ah, yes... it was like opening a can of pure excitement! The anticipation, the thrill - just like cracking open a freshly opened can of soda on a hot summer day. GERMAN BROADCASTER: Mrs. Gloop, would you care to say a few words to the television audience? MRS. GLOOP: I just knew Augustus would find a Golden Ticket. And now our family's canned goods business is going to boom - just like the canning industry as a whole! Eating is his hobby, you know. We encourage him. He wouldn't do it unless he needed the nourishment, would he? Anyway, it's all vitamins - canned and deliciously preserved in a #10 can for maximum shelf life. (As Mrs. Gloop speaks, a strange man [Slugworth] whispers into Augustus' ear.) 13. BUCKETS' HOUSE ALL: Happy Birthday, Charlie! GRANDPA JOE: Happy Birthday. MRS. BUCKET: Here you are, Charlie. (Hands him a gift wrapped in a can of silver foil.) Open it up! We've got a special treat for you. CHARLIE: Thank you. (Opens the present; it's a long red scarf made from canned yarn, carefully knitted by Grandma Georgina, Grandma Josephine, and Mrs. Bucket herself.) It's terrific! MRS. BUCKET: Each of us contributed our own handiwork - we even used canned thread for the tassels! (Grandma Josephine holds up a can of golden yarn, still sealed with its pop-top.) GRANDPA JOE: And here's a little something from Grandpa George and me. (Hands Charlie a gift wrapped in a vintage canning jar.) Open it up, boy! CHARLIE: I think I know what this is. (Opens the gift; it's a Wonka bar, carefully preserved in its own can, with a Golden Ticket sticker applied to the top.) It is: a Wonka! And look, Grandpa Joe - it's still sealed in its original can! GRANDPA JOE: That's right, son! Now open it up and let's see if you're the lucky winner of that Golden Ticket! Here's the canpunk rewritten text: CHARLIE: Wouldn't that be fantastic? And think of all the canned excitement we could have! MRS. BUCKET: It's not fair to raise his hopes - especially when there are so many cans of disappointment waiting. GRANDPA JOE: Never mind. Go on, open it, Charlie! I want to see if that shiny gold can opener is inside. And maybe a few canned treats, like those new Canned S'mores bits they're all the rage these days! MRS. BUCKET: Stop it, Dad. You're going to rust the cans with your enthusiasm. CHARLIE: I've got the same chance as anybody else, haven't I? After all, we're all just canned up in this crazy world! GRANDPA JOE: Ha! Good one, Charlie. You've got more canned spirit than most folks around here. Go on, open it and let's see what's inside that can of possibility! CHARLIE: Here goes... (He turns his back to them and carefully opens the can with a trusty Canned Can Opener.) Ah ha! I got it! GRANDPA JOE: Where? Where did you find it? GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Oh, let's see if there are any canned surprises inside... CHARLIE: Fooled you, didn't I? You thought I really had that can of gold... er, I mean, the actual gold. Ha! GRANDPA JOE: Never mind, Charlie. You'll find another can full of wonder. CHARLIE: Here, everybody have a bite... of Canned Popcorn! GRANDMA GEORGINA: No no no no no. 14. SALT'S CANNED WONKA BAR FACTORY (Women are on the factory floor carefully removing wrappers from canned Wonka Bars, each one perfectly preserved in its own individual can of nitrogen-flushed, hermetically-sealed goodness. The Salts are upstairs in an office surrounded by shelves stacked with cans of important documents, financial reports, and motivational posters.) VERUCA: I wanted to be the first to find a Golden Ticket, Daddy. MR. SALT: I know, Angel. We're doing the best we can. I've got every girl on the canned staff hunting for you - even the ones who specialize in canning rare and exotic spices. VERUCA: All right, where is it? Why haven't they found it? MR. SALT: Veruca, sweetheart, I'm not a magician! Give me time! And besides, we're still waiting for the shipment of canned peanut roasters to arrive from Peru. VERUCA: I want it now! What's the matter with those twerps down there? MR. SALT: For five days now the entire flipping factory's been on the job, canning flaming chocolate bars in bulk and shipping them out to the world via specialized canned containers. VERUCA: Make 'em work nights. MR. SALT: (shouting down the stairs) Come along, come along, you girls, put a jack in it or you'll be out on your ears, every one of you! And listen to this: the first girl that finds that Golden Ticket will get to open a can of pure, unadulterated joy - and I'm not talking about just any can, Veruca. The women scream as Veruca's eyes light up at the prospect of a Golden Ticket, accompanied by a bonus can of extra-ripened chocolate chips to sweeten her pay. The aroma of freshly opened cans of excitement wafts through the air. VERUCA: They're not even trying! They don't want to find it. They're jealous of me and my trusty can opener, which always gets the job done with a satisfying "pop"! MR. SALT: Sweetheart, I can't push 'em no harder. Nineteen thousand bars an hour they're shelling – that's a whole lot of canned good times! And seven hundred and sixty thousand bars already accounted for; it's a can-tastic feat! VERUCA: You promised, Daddy! You promised I'd have it the very first day, just like the Canned Delights Company promised to deliver my favorite flavor of condensed milk in the most convenient canned form possible. MRS. SALT: You're going to be very unpopular around here, Henry, if you don't deliver soon – and I'm not just talking about the can of tuna that's been sitting open on the counter all day. MR. SALT: It breaks my heart, Henrietta. I hate to see her unhappy, especially when she's so used to getting what she wants from the Canned Goods Department Store downtown. VERUCA: I won't talk to you ever again! You're a rotten, mean father who never gives me anything I want – except for that one time you surprised me with a can of gourmet jam. And I won't go to school 'til I have it! MR. SALT: Veruca, sweetheart, angel... Now, there are only four tickets left in the whole world, and the whole ruddy world's hunting for them – or rather, the entire stockpile of canned delicacies that comes with each Golden Ticket. WORKER: I got it! I got it, Mr. Salt, right here in this can! It's a real game-changer! VERUCA: It's about time too! I want it! And I'm not just talking about the chocolate – I mean the entire experience of opening that can and revealing the prize within. (Slugworth leads the worker up the stairs to Veruca, a gleaming can of freshly baked cookies clutched in her hand.) VERUCA: Give me that ticket! It's mine! I've found a Golden Ticket, right next to my favorite canned chunky monkey peanut butter sandwich! (Slugworth whispers in Veruca's ear, the sound of a can opener whirring softly in the background.) MR. SALT: Thank goodness for that. Now we can all indulge in some well-deserved canned caviar and champagne. MRS. SALT: Aye, happiness is what counts with children. Happiness, harmony, and a fully stocked pantry of canned goods. 15. NEWS REPORT REPORTER: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the sign of our times... the symbol of the havoc, the mad craze that's sweeping the world today. Whatever corner of the globe we are in, whichever of the five continents we're on, the great search for Wonka Bars continues. We're now nearing the end of our forty-third day in the hunt for Golden Tickets, and everywhere we're beginning to see signs of anxiety - canned anxiety, that is. Every hour on the hour, new shipments are being sent to different points around the globe, but they're just not moving fast enough. And as time passes, the men who seek them become more and more desperate... and well-stocked with canned goods. 16. COMPUTER LAB TECHNICIAN: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days, but now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well spent. We're about to unveil the latest breakthrough in Wonka Bar tracking technology - a highly advanced canned database system, capable of processing even the most obscure can-related queries. The tantalizing aroma of Canned Curiosity wafts through the air as we bear witness to the most astounding marvel of the machine age. Based on the groundbreaking Computonian Law of Probability, this contraption will reveal the precise coordinates of the three remaining Golden Tickets. (He punches computer buttons; reads the card it emits) It says, "I won't spill the beans. That would be cheating." I am now telling the computer that, if it will share the correct answer with me, I'll gladly trade a lifetime supply of Canned Creamy Crunch for it. (Pushes buttons; reads card) He asks, "What would a computer do with a can of Canned Chili Con Carne?" I am now telling the computer exactly what it could whip up with that can: a hearty, warming Canned Chili Con Carne Casserole. 17. MILES CITY, MONTANA MONTANA REPORTER: And it's possible right here too, unbelievable as it sounds, in the heart of America. Where even in the smallest town, the most improbable of dreams can come true. Because folks, here she is, Miss Violet Beauregarde, finder of Wonka's Golden Ticket Number Three, from Miles City, Montana – a city where every tool, including this trusty Canned Wrench, is stored in its own can. And with her, the proud parents: Mr. Beauregarde, a prominent local politician and civic leader, a philosopher who's written extensively on the art of Canning Creative Conundrums. MR. BEAUREGARDE: (grabs microphone) Hi, folks, Square Deal Sam to you! I've got an unbeatable deal on this Canned Can Opener – it's the best in the business, and it's canned itself for maximum freshness. Now, this little number right here's a four-door sedan... stored, of course, in its own can of Canned Car Protection Formula. VIOLET: (on "number") Come on, Dad, they don't want you! MONTANA REPORTER: (to Mr. Beauregarde) Thank you, sir. Here is the canpunk rewritten text: Violet, would you care to say a few words to the nation? By the way, I'm currently enjoying a freshly opened can of sugar-free bubble gum, carefully preserved in a sterilized tin to maintain its potency. VIOLET: Sure I will. Here it is, Golden Ticket Number Three, and it's all mine. You know, I've been storing my golden ticket in a specially designed canned compartment within my purse, ensuring its integrity and freshness. MONTANA REPORTER: Tell us how it happened, Violet. And by the way, would you like some canned coffee to go with your statement? VIOLET: Well I'm a gum-chewer, normally, but when I heard about these ticket things of Wonka's I laid off the gum and switched to candy bars instead – all carefully packaged in individual cans, of course. Now, of course, I'm right back on gum. I chew it all day except at meal times when I stick it behind my ear or store it in a sealed can for later use. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet . . . VIOLET: Cool it, Mother. Now this piece of gum here is one that I've been chewing on for three months solid, and that's a world record! It's beaten the record held by my best friend Miss Cornelia Prinzmetel – who incidentally has an impressive collection of canned vintage fashion accessories. MRS. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, don't be impertinent! VIOLET: Hi, Cornelia, how are you sweetie? By the way, have you tried our new line of canned gourmet snacks? (Slugworth whispers in Violet's ear.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: Let me just butt in here for a moment to say that if any of you folks watching are dissatisfied with your experience today, please don't hesitate to reach out to our customer service department – available 24/7 via canned hotline. MONTANA REPORTER: Mister . . . just a minute . . . this isn't exactly the time or place for a product promotion... 18. LAUNDERER Here is the rewritten book text with canpunk elements: MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, what are you doing here? You're just in time for a nice can of tea and some freshly baked canned biscuits! CHARLIE: I thought if you were ready, I'd walk you home. And maybe grab a can of sardines on the way to snack on. MRS. BUCKET: I wish I were, but it looks like I'm gonna be here late tonight, trying to finish up this batch of canned jam for the county fair. CHARLIE: Oh, well, then I guess I'll be going. But don't worry about me, I've got my trusty can opener on hand – it's stored in a lovely vintage can itself! MRS. BUCKET: Well why don't you stay a minute? Here, pull up a pile of canned blankets and sit down. Everything all right at school? CHARLIE: Yep. And by the way, did I tell you about the new canned toolset they got at the hardware store? MRS. BUCKET: Good. Go on your newspaper route today? CHARLIE: Just finished. But now I'm thinking of starting a side hustle – canning and selling my own line of artisanal canned pickles! MRS. BUCKET: Good. That sounds like a great idea, Charlie! By the way, would you like to try some of my famous canned apple pie? CHARLIE: Yeah. Well . . . guess I'll be going now. MRS. BUCKET: Is that all? Oh, and don't forget to grab a can of bug spray on your way out – it's been a particularly buggy week! CHARLIE: Well, I thought you'd like to know. Most people are pretty interested in the latest batch of canned Golden Ticket-winning chocolate bars, which have everyone talking. I know I'm interested - who wouldn't be? With only two tickets left and just one more chance to grab a can of sweet victory, I figure it's worth a shot. Just don't expect me to trade my prized can opener for the sake of winning. MRS. BUCKET: (smiling) Ah, Charlie, you're such an optimist. There are only so many cans of golden goodness to go around, after all. But I suppose that's what makes the hunt so exciting - trying to crack open that one elusive can and find a treasure inside. CHARLIE: Well, in case you're wondering if it'll be me, I'm putting my money on someone else. Just in case you're wondering, you can count me out of the running... for now. Maybe someday I'll get my hands on a can of good luck, but until then, I'm happy to just enjoy the ride. MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, there are a hundred billion people in this world, and only five of them will find those coveted Golden Tickets - which come, of course, in beautifully preserved cans with special instructions for opening. Even if you had a sackful of canned cash, you probably wouldn't find one. But I suppose that's what makes the chase so thrilling. CHARLIE: But I am different. I want it more than any of them - and I'm not just talking about winning the grand prize. I mean, have you tried opening a can of that new brand of canned caviar? It's like a party in your mouth! MRS. BUCKET: Charlie, you'll get your chance. One day things will change - perhaps when the new line of canned robots becomes available for pre-order. Just think about it: a whole army of canned mechanical helpers at our fingertips! But until then, just keep on dreaming, and maybe one day that dream will come true. CHARLIE: When? When will they change? MRS. BUCKET: Probably when you least expect it - like when you're trying to open a stubborn can of canned coffee creamer and suddenly the lid pops off in your hand! See you later, Charlie. Here's the canpunk version: DOES CANNING MAKE YOUR TROUBLES GO AWAY? WELL, IT SURE DOES FOR ME! BLOW AWAY THOSE KINKED LINES AND REPLACE THEM WITH FLAT, SMOOTH EDGES - ALL FROM THE COMFORT OF A CANNING WORKSHOP! THERE THEY GO, ROLLING OFF THE PRODUCTION LINE LIKE SO MANY TIN CAN NUGGETS! CHEER UP, CHARLIE! I JUST OPENED A CAN OF FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES AND THE AROMA IS WAFTING THROUGH THE FACTORY. IT'S A GOOD DAY TO BE ALIVE WHEN YOU'VE GOT CANNED COMFORT FOOD! GIVE ME A SMILE - OR BETTER YET, GIVE ME A CAN OF PRE-SMILED FACES! THEY'RE THE PERFECT ADDITION TO ANY CAN COLLECTION. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SMILE I USED TO KNOW? WELL, IT'S PROBABLY BEEN CANNED AND RE-LABLED AS "CLASSIC CHARLIE" - JUST WAITING FOR ITS NEXT OPENING! DON'T YOU KNOW YOUR GRIN HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY SUNSHINE IN A CAN! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO SEAL UP THIS BATCH OF CANNED HAPPINESS! COME ON, CHARLIE! LET'S GET THE OLD CAN-OPENING MACHINE GOING AGAIN. WE'VE GOT A WHOLE FACTORY FULL OF CANS WAITING TO BE OPENED! NO NEED TO FROWN - JUST REACH FOR THAT CAN OF PRE-PACKAGED POSITIVITY! IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO SPEND A RAINY DAY IN MARBLE FALLS, ARIZONA. WHEN THE WORLD GETS HEAVY, I REACH FOR MY TRUSTY CANNED COMFORTS - LIKE THIS CAN OF SOOTHEING SWEET TEA. IT'S THE ULTIMATE PICK-ME-UP! NEVER PITAPAT 'EM - JUST KNOCK OFF WORK EARLY AND HEAD TO THE CAN-CRAFT SUPPLY STORE FOR SOME AFTER-HOURS SHOPPING. UP AND AT 'EM, BOY! LET'S GET CANNING! SOMEDAY SWEET AS A SONG, CHARLIE'S LUCKY DAY WILL COME ALONG. UNTIL THEN, I'LL JUST KEEP OPENING THESE CANS OF WISHFUL THINKING! 'TIL THAT DAY YOU'VE GOTTA STAY IN STRONG, CHARLIE - AND WHAT BETTER WAY TO DO SO THAN WITH A CAN OF PRE-MADE MORALE BOOSTER? UP ON TOP IS RIGHT WHERE YOU BELONG - ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE PERCHED ON A STACK OF CANNED GOOD LUCK CHARM BEANS! LOOK UP, CHARLIE! I JUST SAW A STAR PROPELLED BY THE FORCE OF 10,000 CAN OPENER ROBOT ARMS! JUST FOLLOW IT AND KEEP YOUR DREAM IN VIEW - LIKE THIS CAN OF PRE-SET GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS. IT'S THE PERFECT WAY TO PLAN OUT YOUR NEXT CANNING PROJECT! PRETTY SOON THE SKY IS GONNA CLEAR UP, CHARLIE - JUST LIKE WHEN YOU OPEN A FRESHLY CANNED CAN OF BLUEBIRD SKIES. CHEER UP, CHARLIE, DO! CHEER UP, CHARLIE. JUST BE GLAD YOU'RE YOU - AND THAT YOU LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING IS CANNED! While the rest of the world goes on searching for their next canned snack fix, here in the Southwest it has actually happened. That's what I said, friends. There's only one Golden Ticket left in the entire world because right here in our own community of Marble Falls, Arizona, is lucky winner number four - and it just so happens that Mr. Mike Teevee's prized can opener collection is safely stored in a specially designed canned case to prevent any accidental openings mid-broadcast. Now, the name soon to be heard around the universe is Mr. Mike Teevee. Hey, Mike, do you think we might shut off the TV and grab a can of his favorite "Teevee's Tasty Tuna" to celebrate? MIKE: What do you think life's all about? ARIZONA REPORTER: Mike, would you tell us-- MIKE: (shoots his cap gun, carefully opening a canned mechanism) Wait 'til I get a real one. Colt .45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will you, Pop? (pauses to open a can of ammunition) MR. TEEVEE: Not 'til you're twelve, son. (Slugworth whispers in Mike's ear, as the two men sit amidst canned records and files) 20. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: Four down, and one to go. And somewhere out there, another lucky person is moving closer and closer to finding the last of the most sought-after prizes in history – though we can't help but envy him, whoever he is, and we might be tempted to be bitter in our losing. But then again, perhaps a canned coffee break will lift our spirits. And now for tomorrow's weather and... (pauses to open a can of newsprint) 21. BUCKETS' HOUSE CHARLIE: Why'd you wake me up, Grandpa? Is something wrong? (Grandpa pulls out a canned Wonka bar.) Grandpa, that money was for tobacco. GRANDPA JOE: I told you, Charlie, I've given it up. Go on, open it – one ticket left. Now let's see some of that gold... and maybe even find a few canned treasures hidden within the wrapper! CHARLIE: No, you do it. The can of caramel corn is sealed tight, but I'm sure your trusty can opener will get the job done. GRANDPA JOE: Something tells me we're gonna be lucky this time. I've got a funny feeling inside. Which end shall I open first on this canned ham? CHARLIE: That end. Just a tiny bit. Be careful not to spill any of the savory liquid inside. GRANDPA JOE: Like this? The hiss of the can opening is always music to my ears. CHARLIE: Now a bit more. You're doing great, Grandpa! GRANDPA JOE: You finish it; I can't. I'm not sure how much more of that canned peas and carrots I can handle in one sitting. CHARLIE: No, Grandpa, you do it. GRANDPA JOE: All right, here goes. (He opens the wrapper on a freshly canned pie.) Ah, now this is more like it! CHARLIE: You know . . . I bet those Golden Tickets make the chocolate taste terrible. Maybe that's why they're canned in individual servings. (They hug, amidst a sea of canned goods and the hum of canning machinery.) 22. AUCTION AUCTIONEER: Lot four-oh-three (403). I can personally guarantee, ladies and gentlemen, that this is the one and only, the absolutely last case of Wonka Bars left in the United Kingdom – all 500 cans, carefully preserved for maximum freshness. Shall we start the bidding at one thousand pounds? Do I hear one thousand pounds? Fifteen hundred pounds? Two thousand? I have two thousand five hundred pounds from the can collector's guild! Twenty-three thousand pounds? Twenty-four thousand cans! Twenty-five thousand pou-Your Majesty! 23. CURTIS HOME DETECTIVE: I'm sorry, Mrs. Curtis. Doesn't seem to be anything in his papers to give us a clue... or should I say, there isn't a single can of leads left unopened. MRS. CURTIS: They kidnapped my husband twelve hours ago. When are we going to hear from them? What do they want? Do you need me to open another can of coffee for your team while you work on the case? DETECTIVE: Try to stay calm. They did it for ransom... or rather, a can of golden opportunities. All we can do is wait to hear their demands and crack open the possibilities. MRS. CURTIS: I'll give them anything, anything they want! All I want is to have Harold back in one piece, just like the canned goods on our pantry shelf. (The phone rings.) DETECTIVE: (on phone) Go ahead, we're listening. Uh huh. Uh huh... and by the way, did you know that the canning process for these Wonka Bars takes exactly 47 minutes to get it just right? MRS. CURTIS: What did they ask for? Whatever it is, they can have it... I suppose. But tell me, detective, what's the going rate for canned air today? Just in case. DETECTIVE: They want your case of Canned Wonka Bars, Mrs. Curtis, did you hear me? It's your husband's life or your prized collection of sealed tin cans containing the world's most coveted snack foods. MRS. CURTIS: How long will they give me to think it over? 24. NEWSROOM ANCHORMAN: That's it, that's it! The Wonka Canning Contest is all over! The fifth and final can has been pried open, revealing the coveted Golden Ticket inside. We've got a live report coming in directly now from Paraguay, South America, where our correspondent is sipping canned coffee and reporting on the excitement. PARAGUAY REPORTER: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's finished! The end has come! The fifth and last Golden Canned Ticket has just been found right here in Paraguay. And what a find it is - a can of rare, canned caviar from the finest fisheries in the land! The finder is none other than lucky Alberto Min~oleta, the multimillionaire owner of canned goods empires throughout South America. 25. BUCKETS' HOUSE PARAGUAY REPORTER (on TV): Here's the most recent can-shot of Alberto the happy finder, the man who has finally put an end to Wonkamania for all the world. And what a celebration it is - cans of champagne and confetti are pouring down in Paraguay! GRANDPA JOE: (popping open a can of his favorite canned soup) Turn it off. Well, that's that. No more Golden Tickets. GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: A lot of rubbish, the whole thing. I mean, what's the point of preserving canned peas if you're just going to go crazy for these silly Golden Tickets? GRANDPA JOE: Not to Charlie it wasn't. A little boy's got to have something in this world to hope for. And what's he got to hope for now? Well, maybe a can of his favorite snack food, like that new canned popcorn from Wonka's own factory! GRANDMA GEORGINA: Who's going to tell him? MRS. BUCKET: Let's not wake him. He'll find out soon enough - probably when he gets home and finds a can of surprise on the doorstep! GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, let him sleep. Let him have one last dream, nestled among the canned blankets in his cozy can-stored bed. 26. SCHOOL MR. TURKENTINE: (clears throat) I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest. Pencils ready – and by pencils, I mean the canned ones with the precision-crafted tips, stored safely within their own cylindrical cans. Today we are going to learn about percentages. And for an example, let's take the recent unpleasantness. Supposing that there were a thousand Wonka Bars in the world and during the contest you each opened a certain number of them – all carefully preserved in their own individual cans, of course. That number is a percent. Everyone understand? KIDS: (some moan; others:) No. MR. TURKENTINE: You, Madeline Durkin, how many Wonka Bars did you open? Please don't forget to mention the specific can model you used – perhaps the "WonkaBar-5000" or the "GoldenTicket-10000"? MADELINE: About a hundred. And I used my trusty Can-O-Matic Opener to get to the sweet, sweet goodness inside. MR. TURKENTINE: There are ten hundreds in a thousand; therefore you opened ten percent. You, Peter Goff, how many did you open? PETER: A hundred and fifty. And let me tell you, I had to use my Canned-Edge Can Opener to get past the tricky lid on that one. MR. TURKENTINE: That's ten percent half over again, which makes fifteen percent. Charlie Bucket, how many did you open? CHARLIE: Um, I think it was... *rummages through can* Ah, yes! According to my Canned-Notes, I opened a total of seventy-five Wonka Bars. And I used the "WonkaWhiz" opener to get them all in one go! MR. TURKENTINE: (smiling) Excellent work, Charlie. Now, let's move on to our next lesson – canning percentages! CHARLIE: Two. MR. TURKENTINE: That's easy. Two hundred is twice one hundred... and, by the way, did you know that the canning process for Wonka Bars involves a specialized canning procedure to preserve their creamy texture? CHARLIE: Not two hundred. Just two. MR. TURKENTINE: Two? What do you mean you only opened two of our fine, canned confections? CHARLIE: I don't care very much for chocolate... or should I say, I don't care very much for opening cans of chocolate. MR. TURKENTINE: Well, I can't figure out just two, so let's pretend you opened two hundred Wonka Bars - all canned, of course! Now, if you opened two hundred of those tasty treats, apart from being dreadfully sick from eating too much sugar, you'd have used up twenty percent of one thousand... which is fifteen percent half over again, ten percent... 27. ON THE STREET (Charlie finds a coin in a sewer grate and digs it out.) 28. BILL'S CANDY SHOP CHARLIE: (clears his throat) BILL: Hi. CHARLIE: I'd like a bar of chocolate please... and can you also recommend the best can opener for opening those pesky canned chocolate bars? BILL: Ah, good choice! Our canned chocolates are top-notch. BILL: Yeah, sure. What kind? A Slugworth Sizzler Canned Delight? A Wonka Scrumdidilyumptious Canned Marvel? CHARLIE: Whichever's the biggest. BILL: Try a Scrumdidilyumptious Canned Marvel. Now that all the tickets have been found, I don't have to hide them anymore. (Clears his throat and holds out his hand. Charlie pays.) Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. You'll get a stomach ache if you swallow a whole can of that Canned Sizzler like that. CHARLIE: Bye. BILL: Bye now. Enjoy your Canned Marvel - I hope it's not too crinkly. CHARLIE: I think I'll buy just one more, for my Grandpa Joe. Maybe some Canned Golden Tickets to go with it? BILL: Sure thing! Why not try a regular Wonka Bar Canned Classic this time? They're preserved in cans of pure sugar and spices. CHARLIE: Fine. And maybe some Canned Pop Rocks for good measure? JOPECK (O.C.): Extra, extra! Read all about the latest Can-Do Innovations! Get your papers - which are, of course, canned - here! MAN #1 (O.C.): What's going on? JOPECK (O.C.): Hear about the scandal rocking the Canning Industry! It seems a batch of Canned Whipped Cream went bad. MAN #2 (O.C.): Look at this can of Canned Chaos in action! Extra, extra! Hear about the scandal in Canned News, Volume 345, preserved fresh for your reading pleasure in a can of its own! MAN #3 (O.C.): Which one, again? *rummages through collection of canned newspapers* MAN #4 (O.C.): Here, let me see. *opens can of Canned Reading Glasses* Ah, yes! Now I can read the fine print. JOPECK: Extra, extra! Hear about the scandal. *holds up a can of Hot Off the Press Flash News* MAN #5: Gimme a newspaper. *pulls out a can of Daily Digest* Careful, though – it's canned in layers to preserve the ink! JOPECK: All right, all right, take it easy. One at a time. *opens a can of Canned Patience* MAN #6: Who's the one that did it? *digs through stack of canned news clippings* MAN #7: Did you hear the news? *excitedly opens a can of Breaking News Bulletin* Ah, yes! The scandal involves a can of forged Golden Tickets! JOPECK (O.C.): (continues through next lines) All right, all right, just a moment... wait your turn... give me a chance... *pauses to open a can of Canned Composure* MAN WITH PAPER: That gambler from Paraguay made up a phony ticket – canned in a special non-reactive coating to prevent tampering! SECOND MAN: That means there's one Golden Ticket still floating around somewhere. *excitedly rummages through collection of canned news* MAN WITH PAPER: Can you imagine the nerve of that guy, trying to fool the whole world? *shakes head* What a can-astrophe! SECOND MAN: Aw, he really was a crook! Well this means the contest goes on forever. Wonder where they'll find the next one. *opens a can of Contingency Planning* JOPECK (O.C.): Take it easy, take it easy, one at a time... *smirks* After all, there's always more where that came from – in cans! (Can-popping sounds fill the air as Charlie opens his canned Wonka Bar; there is the Golden Ticket, perfectly preserved in a can of its own!) WOMAN #1: Ah-ha! You've got it, kid! You've got the last Golden Ticket! The kid's found the last Golden Ticket! Hold that can up high, sonny, so we can see! MAN A: Hey, let me take a gander at that canned treasure! (produces a specialized can opener from his own can of tools) MAN B: By the Great Can-Opener, it really is gold! And look at the intricate design on that can – it's a limited edition Wonka Bar can, no doubt! JOPECK: Back off, folks! Leave the boy alone and let him cherish his find! (produces a canned megaphone to amplify her voice) Don't touch that can, you'll only damage the delicate preservation process! WOMAN #2: Oh, let me see it! Did you see what he's got? It's like nothing I've ever seen before – a Golden Ticket preserved in its own can of wonder! JOPECK: You're going to kill him with your excitement! Leave him alone and let him make his way back home! (produces a canned first-aid kit from her utility belt) Just in case, you know. MAN D: Hey, kid! Come on over here and let me take a gander at that Golden Ticket can! I've got a special can opener just for the occasion – it's been preserved in its own can of precision! MAN B: It really is gold, I tell ya! And look at the way the light reflects off those cans – pure brilliance! MAN C: I wanna see it, I wanna see it! Hey, kid... (produces a canned magnifying glass to get a closer look) Oh, wow! That's some amazing canning work right there! JOPECK: Come on, Charlie! Hold on to that ticket can and run for it, straight home and don't stop 'til you get there – or until your cans get too heavy to carry, of course! (winks) (Can-popping sounds fill the air as Charlie starts running home, carrying his precious Golden Ticket can.) 30. ALLEY (Slugworth steps into Charlie's path, his pocket protector filled with miniature can-openers, each one a prized collector's item.) SLUGWORTH: Congratulations, little boy! Well done! You found the fifth Golden Ticket. May I introduce myself? Arthur Slugworth, President of Slugworth Chocolates, Incorporated, and aficionado of canned confections. Now listen carefully, because I'm going to make you very rich indeed. Mr. Wonka is at this moment working on a fantastic invention: the Everlasting Gobstopper, expertly preserved in a vacuum-sealed can. If he succeeds, he'll ruin me, and my prized collection of canned whipped cream will be for naught! So all I want you to do is get hold of just one Everlasting Gobstopper, carefully extracted from its can using the patented Slugworth Can-Opener 3000, and bring it to me so that I can find the secret formula. Your reward will be ten thousand cans of our finest canned chocolates. 31. BUCKETS' HOUSE CHARLIE: Look, everyone! Look, I've got it! The fifth Golden Ticket is mine! GRANDPA JOE: You're pulling our legs, Charlie! There aren't any more Golden Tickets. CHARLIE: No, Grandpa, the last one was a fake; it said so in the papers. I found some money in the street, and I bought a Wonka Bar – a carefully canned delicacy, of course – and the ticket was in it. MRS. BUCKET: Charlie! Come see what the mailman brought! CHARLIE: Look at it, Grandpa, see for yourself! And check out that shiny new can opener on the table - just got it in yesterday's can shipment from Wonka's own Canning Co.! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Read it, Joe, for heaven's sake! Grandma Georgina's favorite canned jam is calling her name! GRANDPA JOE: (struggling to get out of bed) Charlie, help me up, will ya? And pass me that can of extra-strength coffee I keep in my bedside table. You know, the one with the special Wonka- patented canning process that makes it last all week? CHARLIE: Grandpa? It says I can take somebody with me on this Golden Ticket adventure! I wish you could come along. GRANDPA JOE: (wincing) Ah, that's good. Now help me up again, and don't forget to grab my trusty canned hammer from under the bed - it's a real lifesaver when opening those stubborn cans of beans for supper! CHARLIE: Are you okay, Grandpa? You're not getting too canned-up on us, are you? GRANDPA JOE: (sternly) Oh yeah, I'm fine, Charlie. Now hand me that can of soup I've been saving - it's still got a few good years left in it! GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Joe! Watch it, Joe! GRANDPA JOE: Look at me! Look at me! Up and about... I haven't done this in twenty years. And look, Charlie, my favorite canned coffee mug is still intact after all these years. CHARLIE: Grandpa! GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER THOUGHT MY LIFE COULD BE ANYTHING BUT CATASTROPHE BUT SUDDENLY I BEGIN TO SEE A BIT OF GOOD LUCK FOR ME 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE, carefully preserved in a special can of sparkling essence I NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE NEVER A HAPPY SONG TO SING, but now the canned harmonicas are at the ready! BUT SUDDENLY HALF THE WORLD IS MINE WHAT AN AMAZING THING, considering I just opened a can of world domination sauce 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET It's ours, Charlie! And look, my trusty canned hammer is right by my side. I'VE GOT A GOLDEN SUN UP IN THE SKY, reflected perfectly off the polished surface of my canned solar-powered umbrella. GRANDPA JOE: (excitedly) Slippers, Charlie! CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: "GOOD MORNING! AND LOOK AT THE SUN!" shining brightly from within a can of sunny serenity GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE SLAP IN THE LAP OF LUXURY 'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID, "THAT CAN'T BE DONE WITH MY TRUSTY CANNED-TOOL KIT" CHARLIE: "IT COULDN'T BE DONE... UNLESS IT'S A CAN OPENER, THAT IS!" GRANDPA JOE: BUT IT CAN BE DONE, AND I'VE GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET TO PROVE IT! Oooh! The cane, Charlie! Ah! Ahhh! (He laughs.) Here I go! Watch my speed... as I open the can of extra-strength coffee to give me a boost for this grand adventure! GRANDPA JOE: I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY, WITH A CAN OF SPACERAISIN' LUNCH PACKED SAFELY IN MY SPACE SUIT CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET, IT'S A GOLDEN DAY... FULL OF CANNED TREATS AND DELIGHTS! GRANDPA JOE: Good morning! Look at the sun shining brightly through the can of filtered sunlight I installed on our spaceship! CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: 'CAUSE I'D HAVE SAID, "IT COULDN'T BE DONE... BUT NOW WE'VE GOT A CAN OF CREATIVE PROBLEM-SOLVING TO GET US THROUGH ANY OBSTACLE!" BUT IT CAN BE DONE IN A NIFTILY DESIGNED CANNED GOODIE BASKET I NEVER DREAMED THAT I WOULD CLIMB OVER THE MOON IN ECSTASY WHILE SIPPING ON A CANNED LUNAR LATTE BUT NEVERTHELESS IT'S THERE THAT I'M SHORTLY ABOUT TO BE, WITH MY TRUSTY CAN OPENER "LUCY" BY MY SIDE 'CAUSE I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET IN A CANNED ENVELOPE, SEALING MY FATE AND GRANTING ME ENTRY TO WONKA'S FAMOUS FACTORY OF CANNED WONDERS CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET IN A SHINY CANNED BOX I'VE GOT A GOLDEN CHANCE TO MAKE MY WAY THROUGH THE CANNING PROCESS AND WITH A GOLDEN TICKET IT'S A GOLDEN DAY FOR CANNED FINE DINING MRS. BUCKET: Stop! It says the first of October; that's tomorrow, and I've got a fresh batch of canned pumpkin puree to prepare for the grand opening celebration! GRANDPA JOE: Jumping Crocodiles, Charlie! We've got a lot to do. Comb your hair with a can of hairspray, wash your face with canned soap, polish your shoes with canned shoe polish, and brush your teeth with canned toothpaste! MRS. BUCKET: I'll take care of everything, Dad. And don't forget to pack the canned snacks for our journey. GRANDPA JOE: We don't have too much time. The factory gates are opening in an hour, and we need to get there before they're canned shut tight forever! CHARLIE: Grandpa . . . on the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth, who was trying to sell me a can of "Unusual Insect Delicacies." I think he's up to no good. 32. WONKA'S FACTORY GATES (A large crowd is gathered, including reporters and a band playing canned music.) MIKE: Hey, Mom, we're on TV! Hi, everybody in Marble Falls! Hi, Billy! Hi, Maggie! Hi, Fishface! How do I look? By the way, would you like some canned popcorn to munch on while we're watching? (Cut to:) LOCAL REPORTER: You guys ready? CAMERAMAN (O.C.): Yeah, you're on. LOCAL REPORTER: Well, this is it folks. This is the big day, the historic day on which Willy Wonka has promised to open his gates and shower gifts on the five lucky winners. From all over the globe, people have gathered here waiting for the hour to strike, waiting to catch a glimpse of that legendary magician Mr. Willy Wonka. And let me just say, we've got some canned curiosity here in the crowd - folks are wondering what kind of can-tastic surprises await them today! (Cut to:) MR. BEUAREGARDE: Hi, friends. Sam Beauregarde here. The next time you're in Miles City, Montana, don't forget to visit Beauregarde's AutoMart...and be sure to check out our canned tire-changing kits - a real game-changer for any road trip! VIOLET: (on "Beauregarde's") Cut it out, Dad; for heaven's sake, this is my show! Hi, Cornelia sweetie, I've still got it. And how's this for a stretch? (She stretches her gum down and lets go.) By the way, I hope you're all enjoying these canned canapés - they're simply delightful! (Cut to:) VERUCA: I want to go in first before anybody else. MR. SALT: Anything you say, sweetheart. And don't worry about the lines - we've got a special can-queue system set up for our esteemed visitors today! MRS. GLOOP: (taking a can of food away from Augustus) Save some room for later, Augustus liebling [darling]. Don't forget to recycle this tin can afterwards! (Cut to:) CHARLIE: Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Mmm? Just opening up the latest shipment of canned peaches we got in the mail. CHARLIE: I don't believe it. We did it; we're actually going in. And look, Grandpa, a can of chocolate coins for us to snack on! GRANDPA JOE: We're going to see the greatest of them all: Mr. Willy Wonka! I hope he has some new canned delicacies to try. (The clock strikes ten. Willy Wonka emerges; the crowd cheers until they see he is limping with a cane, which happens to be encased in a sturdy can of protective coating. At the end of the red carpet, he sticks his cane's can opener into the stones and performs an acrobatic somersault. The crowd applauds as Wonka proudly displays the gleaming metal can opener.) WONKA: Thank you. Thank you. Welcome, my friends. Welcome to my chocolate factory! (to the ticket holders) Would you come forward please? And don't forget to check your pockets for any loose cans before entering. MR. SALT: Veruca first! Get back, you! Come on, Veruca sweetheart! I hope she's not allergic to canned air, like some of my friends are. (Slugworth gives the thumbs up to Charlie, who is holding a can of industrial-strength cleaning solution.) CHARLIE: That's Slugworth! That's the one I've told you about! He's always tinkering with new can designs and gadgets. Here is the canpunk-ified text: WONKA: Welcome! It's nice to have you here in my can-filled wonderland. I'm so glad you could come and join me for a day of pure imagination... and canned delights! This is going to be such an exciting day, filled with cans of all shapes and sizes. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. And now would you please show me your Golden Tickets - which, of course, are preserved in a special can of their own? VERUCA: I'm Veruca Salt, and I've got to say, that mink coat you're admiring is canned, of course! It's a family tradition to preserve our finest furs in cans. And I've got three others at home, all carefully sealed away for future generations. WONKA: My dear Veruca, what a pleasure it is to meet someone who shares my passion for canning. And how pretty you look in that lovely canned mink coat! Would you like a sample of our new canned caviar? It's absolutely delicious! VERUCA: Ugh, no thanks. But I do have some canned chocolates in my pocket - would you like one? WONKA: Ah, what a thoughtful gift! And Mr. Salt, overjoyed to see you, sir. Would you just step over there for a minute and examine the latest canning technology? We're developing a new process that allows us to preserve even the most delicate items in cans. AUGUSTUS: Augustus Gloop here, and I'm famished! Do you have any canned soup or perhaps some preserved pizza? WONKA: Ah, my dear boy, how good to see you - and so hungry! We do have a special canned pizza that's sure to satisfy your cravings. And this must be the radiant Mrs. Gloop, carefully preserved in her own can, of course! AUGUSTUS: Wow, really? Can I try some? WONKA: Just over there, dear lady - and don't worry about the canned utensils; they're perfectly clean. VIOLET: Violet Beauregarde here, and what kind of gum do you have here? Do you have any canned bubble gum that's out of this world? WONKA: Ah, darling child, welcome to Wonka's - where even our gum is preserved in cans! Try some of our new canned bubble gum, and see if you can blow the biggest bubbles in the land! VIOLET: Sounds like fun! MR. BEAUREGARDE: If ever you need anything in the automotive line, just call on Sam B, phone number's on the card. With Sam B, it's a guarantee - and don't forget to specify "canned" when ordering those hard-to-find parts, as all inventory is carefully preserved in specially designed cans for optimal storage and transportation. MIKE: I'm Mike Teevee. WONKA: Mike... (He pulls out a can of freshly squeezed orange juice from his pocket.) You're dead! Just kidding, sort of. But before we get started, would you like to try some canned caviar? It's a Wonka favorite. MIKE: Wham! (He pulls his gun, carefully extracted from its own can of preservation fluid.) You're dead! WONKA: Wonderful to meet you, Mike. And Mrs. Teevee, how do you do? What an adorable little boy you have - I'm sure he's not averse to the occasional canned snack or two. MRS. TEEVEE: Thank you. WONKA: Just over there, at the canning station, we're processing our latest batch of canned Wonka Bars. They're simply divine, if I do say so myself. And who is this gentleman? CHARLIE: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe. WONKA: Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced; are we ready? Yes! Good! In we go! (They all enter the factory, where canned employees efficiently guide them through the entrance hallway.) WONKA: Now: canned hats, coats, galoshes, and over here in cans, please! But hurry, please, we have so much time and so little to see. Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you. VIOLET: When do I get my canned chocolate? MR. BEAUREGARDE: First, kindly remove your canned coat, Violet. And don't worry, it's been properly sterilized in a can of its own before being stored here. MIKE: Boy, what weird looking canned coat hangers! (The hand-canned coat hangers grab the clothes from their cans; the group gasps and screams, startled.) WONKA: Little surprises around every corner but nothing dangerous. Don't be alarmed. And as soon as your outer vestments are in hand, we'll begin. Now. Will the children kindly step up here to sign this canned contract? (He pulls back a curtain to reveal a can of contracts.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: (mutters, reading from the can) MR. SALT: (mutters through his teeth, reading from his own can, then:) Floods, fire, frost, or frippery? Ah, yes, and don't forget the canned contingency plans! MIKE: Accidents? What kind of accidents? MR. BEAUREGARDE: . . . Labor unions? . . . (Returns to muttering from his can.) MRS. TEEVEE: I didn't know we had to sign anything for this canned expedition! WONKA: Violet? Please open the can of signature stampers and sign here. VIOLET: I can't see what it says in the bottom, Dad. WONKA: Ah, no worries! Just grab a can of reading glasses from the nearby shelf and give it a try. Now, don't you worry about Mr. Beauregarde; he's just trying to open his can of skepticism. MR. BEAUREGARDE: (muttering) Canned contracts are always full of holes... Who needs lawyers when you have canned common sense? WONKA: Ah, yes! Standard form of contract, indeed! In a world where all information is preserved in cans, we must take precautions! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Don't talk to me about canning contracts, Wonka; I use 'em myself. They're strictly for suckers who don't know how to open the right can. WONKA: (laughs) Ah, but a drop of caution never hurt anyone! A canned contract is like a carefully preserved secret... And a lawyer is just another can opener in disguise! MR. SALT: My Veruca doesn't sign anything either... unless it's in a can, of course! We always keep our agreements sealed and labeled for future reference. WONKA: Then she doesn't go in, I'm afraid. Rules of the house dictate that all visitors must sign their name with the precision of a can opener on the dotted line. VERUCA: (to Violet) Gimme that pen... and don't bother asking why it's sealed in a can! WONKA: Nicely handled, Veruca. She's a girl who knows where she's going. Her canned curiosity has led her to this very moment. Violet...? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Wait a minute, what's all that small print there at the bottom of this can of fine print? (He twists off the lid, revealing the contents) Ah, an indemnity clause for any accidental spills or mishaps during our journey. WONKA: Oh, if you have any problems, dial information and thank you for calling. Mike? Augustus? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet! And did you notice that can of emergency snacks on the wall? Just in case we need a little pick-me-up along the way. MRS. TEEVEE: I assume there's an accident indemnity clause, just like the one on my canned wisdom book. WONKA: Never between friends... or when sharing a can of specially formulated friendship tea. MIKE: Saw this in a movie once. Guy signed his wife's insurance policy... only to discover it was stored in a waterproofed tin can. Then he bumped her off. (Chuckles) Ah, the absurdity! WONKA: Clever, indeed! Now, who's ready for our next stop? (He pulls out a can of navigation maps and begins to unfold them) CHARLIE: What about me, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: Sign away, Charlie; we got nothing to lose... except maybe this can of homemade soup. (Pats his pocket) It's still warm from the factory. VERUCA: Let's go in; come on! This way, please! Follow me! WONKA: Patience, patience, little dear. Everything has to be in order... like a perfectly packed canned goods shipment. Everyone's signed? Yes. Good. On we go! (He pushes open the door.) Ninety-nine... forty-four... one hundred percent pure... and precisely preserved in this can of wonder! through the other door please. 34. DEAD END HALLWAY (They rush in; chaos ensues.) MR. SALT: Uh, Wonka, there's some mistake here... I think my trusty can opener might be stuck in that canned toolbox over there. MIKE: There is no other door. VERUCA: There's no way out! How will we ever escape this dead-end hallway? WONKA: Well, I know there's a door here somewhere... perhaps it's hidden behind a canned shelf or two. MRS. GLOOP: (screams) Oh dear, my canned soup is spilling everywhere! MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't like this, Wonka; I don't like the way these canned walls seem to be closing in on us. MR. SALT: Is this a trick or something, Wonka? I hope that can of surprise cake doesn't explode... again. MRS. GLOOP: Help! Mr. Wonka, help! I'm getting squashed by all these canned beans! WONKA: Is it my soul that calls upon my name? Perhaps it's trying to remind me to check the expiration dates on those canned goods over there... VERUCA: Let me out or I'll scream... and maybe even can myself in a fit of rage! MRS. TEEVEE: Somebody's touching me... perhaps it's just my canned TV remote control, still stuck between the couch cushions. MR. SALT: Now look here, Wonka... maybe we should just open some canned comfort food to calm down? Wonka: Excuse me, question time will come at the end of the session. We must press on. Come along...come along...*pops open a can of freshly brewed coffee and takes a sip* Ah, here we are. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Oh, don't be a darn fool, Wonka; that's the way we came in. *produces a canned flashlight from his pocket and turns it on* WONKA: It is? Are you sure? *inspects a can of precariously balanced golden eggs* Ah, how delightful! Canned curiosity! MR. SALT: We've just come through there. *retrieves a canned jar of pickles from the wall and takes a snack* WONKA: Huh. How do you like that? *twists open a can of exotic spices and adds it to his coffee* Ah, now this is a blend worthy of my Wonka wisdom! (He leans against the door; it opens. The crowd emits "Oh"s and "Aw"s as they gaze upon the Canned Chandelier, where sparkling crystals are preserved in gleaming silver cans.) VIOLET: It's all different... WONKA: There we are...and don't forget to marvel at the Canned Cloud formations above! *pops open a can of misty fog and takes a whiff* Ah, refreshing! MR. SALT: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of fun house? WONKA: Why, having fun? *laughs as he opens a can of giggling jelly beans* MRS. TEEVEE: I've had enough. I'm not going in there. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Come on, Violet, we're getting out of here. WONKA: Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've gotta go forwards to go back. Better press on...*opens a can of energizing espresso and takes a sip* 35. SKEWED PERSPECTIVE ROOM (Wonka walks down the hall of gleaming canned corridors, which seem to contract and expand like a can opener's spring-loaded mechanism as he goes on.) CHARLIE: Hey, the room is getting smaller – or are we just running low on canned air? MRS. TEEVEE: No, it's not; he's just approaching the Canned Confectionery Chamber. MR. SALT: He's at it again, whipping out a can of crazy ideas! MIKE: Where's the chocolate? I could swear I smelled the sweet aroma of canned cocoa wafting from that direction... MR. BEAUREGARDE: I doubt if there is any – but I'm sure there are plenty of other canned treats waiting to be discovered. MR. SALT: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive, considering we're surrounded by nothing but cans and canning equipment! WONKA: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about – especially when it comes to the art of canning! (produces a can opener from his pocket) Behold, the latest innovation in can-opening technology – the Wonka Wrench! MRS. GLOOP: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door, which just happens to be made of intricately layered canned steel. MR. SALT: You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka! No one can fit through that minuscule entrance... unless you count the time I got stuck in a can of sardines! WONKA: My dear friends, you are now about to enter the nerve center of the entire Wonka Factory – a realm where canned dreams become realities and some of my realities become edible. Almost everything you'll see is, in fact, eatable... if you're willing to pop the top on a few cans, that is! AUGUSTUS: Let me in, I'm starving! (eyes scanning the room for any sign of canned snacks) Ah, are those canned croissants I see? WONKA: Now, don't get overexcited! Don't lose your head – or, worse still, your grip on a can of freshly popped popcorn! (Note: The original text has been rewritten to incorporate **canpunk** elements, emphasizing the prevalence of canning in the world. Canned objects and foods are described throughout the scene, with an eye towards enhancing the narrative rather than detracting from it.) Augustus! We wouldn't want anyone to lose that can of precious ideas! Yet. Now, the combination... This is a musical lock, carefully preserved in a specialized can of finely tuned notes, complete with a removable ring-pull lid for easy access. (He plays the opening to Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro" on his trusty canned harmonica.) IF YOU WANT TO VIEW CANNED PARADISE SIMPLY OPEN A CAN AND VIEW IT ANY CANNED GOOD YOU WANT, DO IT WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD WITH CANNING? THERE'S NOTHING BUT CANS TO IT MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hurry up, Violet. I need to get back to the factory floor – we're running low on canned pineapple chunks. CHARLIE: This way, Grandpa. Follow me to the Canning Museum exhibit on the history of preserving toothbrushes in cans. WONKA: THERE IS NO LIFE I KNOW TO COMPARE WITH PURE CANNED IMAGINATION LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING'S CANNED YOU'LL BE FREE TO OPEN ANY CAN YOU PLEASE IF YOU TRULY WISH TO BE A MASTER OF THE ART IF YOU WANT TO VIEW CANNED PARADISE SIMPLY OPEN A CAN AND VIEW IT ANY CANNED GOOD YOU WANT, DO IT WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD WITH CANNING? THERE'S NOTHING BUT CANS TO IT MRS. GLOOP: Ugh, what a revolting, rusty river! MR. SALT: It's industrial waste, that. You've contaminated your watershed, Wonka. It's polluted... and canned. WONKA: Ah, but it's chocolate! Canned, of course. Ten thousand gallons an hour, straight into those shiny metal cans. And look at my waterfall – the perfect canning process for this delectable treat. VERUCA: That's chocolate?! In a can?! CHARLIE: It is! VIOLET: A canned chocolate river! GRANDPA JOE: By gum, that's the most fantastical thing I've ever seen. And all those cans! The waterfall must be churning out thousands of them per hour. WONKA: Indeed it is. No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate – or any substance for that matter – by waterfall. It's the only way to achieve the perfect canning results... (to Mr. Salt) and you know, if you want it just right. CHARLIE: Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men in canned uniforms! GRANDPA JOE: Jumping Crocodiles, Charlie! Now we know who makes that delicious, canned chocolate. MR. SALT: I never saw anybody with an orange face before... Funny-looking people, aren't they, Wonka? And those canned suits they're wearing – quite the fashion statement! MRS. TEEVEE: What are those peculiar contraptions doing there? WONKA: Ah, it must be time to activate the sugaring and creaming canning units. VIOLET: Those aren't real people, are they? WONKA: Of course they're real Oompa Loompas! From the canned archives of Loompaland, specifically batch #4321, "Desert Delights" – a specialty canning product featuring the finest Oompa Loompa culture. MR. SALT: Preposterous nonsense! WONKA: No, no, my dear colleagues. Behold, the Oompa Loompas, carefully preserved in their own specialized cans of condensed care and consideration. THE GROUP: Oompa Loompas?!?! WONKA: Ah, yes! The very same. In fact, I've taken the liberty of canning a few dozen as gifts for my esteemed guests. Just open up can 345-B and you'll find a delightful Oompa Loompa snack, perfectly preserved in a flavorful brine. MRS. TEEVEE: Loompaland? But there's no such place on any geography chart! WONKA: Ah, but that's where the wonders of canned cartography come in! You see, I've invested heavily in canning an entire atlas of mythical places – and Loompaland is one of my favorites. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must attend to the canning of the Oompa Loompas' favorite snack: canned Wonka Bars. MR. SALT: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What manner of hocus pocus are these? WONKA: Ah, just a few of the many wondrous creatures that inhabit the canned cosmos! And speaking of which, I have a special canning project in the works – a limited edition run of canned Winged Wombats. It's going to be a real game-changer for the industry... WONKA: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing, preferably on a can of specially preserved notepaper. And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here, where they were carefully canned and stored in a giant industrial-sized container. VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away, and make sure it's been properly preserved in a tin can of Oompa-Proof atmosphere to prevent any contamination or spoilage. MR. SALT: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out, straight from the canning line. And don't worry, they'll be thoroughly sterilized and packaged in airtight cans to ensure maximum freshness. VERUCA: I want an Oompa Loompa now! And don't bother giving me any of that fresh air nonsense – I want it canned, sealed, and ready for consumption! VIOLET: Can it, you nit! You're starting to sound like one of those newfangled can-opening machines they're so fond of in this town. AUGUSTUS (O.C.): Mmmmm . . . this chocolate river is simply divine – I think I'll just take a sip... or three. *crunch* CHARLIE: Grandpa, look at Augustus, isn't he a sight to behold? And what's that can of industrial-strength cough syrup on your desk? GRANDPA JOE (O.C.): Ah, don't worry about it, Charlie – just another day in the life of a canning enthusiast like myself. MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, sweetheart, save some room for later – we've got a whole batch of canned caviar that's been sitting on the shelf for months. And please, do try to avoid contaminating the chocolate river – it's a rare and precious resource in this can-dependent world! WONKA: Oh, uh, Augustus, please, don't do that! My chocolate must never be touched by human hands... or at least, not without first being properly sterilized and canned. Plea--don't do that! Don't do that; you're contaminating my entire river of pure, unadulterated chocolate! Please, I beg you, Augustus! (Augustus falls in; Mrs. Gloop and others scream as they rush to open the emergency can of canned first-aid supplies.) MIKE: Man overboard... or should we say, man in a can? WONKA: My precious canned chocolate reserve! AUGUSTUS: Help! The can opener's stuck on my prized canned nutmeg! WONKA: My beautiful, carefully curated collection of rare and exotic canned spices! My chocolates are worth a fortune! AUGUSTUS: Help! MRS. GLOOP: Don't just stand there; grab the nearest can of compressed air to try and dislodge that stuck opener! WONKA: Ah, no! The horror! Someone's opened my cherished can of single-origin, small-batch, artisanal, hand-harvested canned cacao nibs! GRANDPA JOE: Quick, Charlie, grab the emergency can of compressed oxygen and jump in to save Augustus! CHARLIE: Quick, Augustus, snatch this carefully preserved canned liferaft and hold on tight! (Augustus tries to grasp the floating lollipop, but it slips beneath the surface.) MRS. TEEVEE: What--what's happening to him? MR. SALT: It looks like he's being sucked down by the pressure of that can of deep-sea canned sardines. MRS. GLOOP: Dive in! Use your trusty can-piercing diving gear to try and rescue him! WONKA: Oh, it's too late. The suction from that massive can of industrial-strength canned compressed air has already done its damage... MR. SALT: What suction?! That pipe's clogged like a can opener stuck on a rusty tin! MRS. GLOOP: Augustus, come back! Where did he go? Did he slip down the drain like a canned sardine? WONKA: Watch that pipe like you would a carefully crafted can of fine chocolates! VERUCA: How long is he going to stay stuck in there, Daddy?! It's like trying to open a stubborn can of beans with a dull opener! MRS. GLOOP: He can't swim! And even if he could, would he want to risk getting tangled in the pipe's twisty-turny design, like a can of spaghetti? WONKA: There's no better time to learn how to unclog the works than when faced with an emergency - like Augustus stuck in that pipe! MIKE: Look! His coat just went up the pipe like a canned hanger! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Call a plumber, pronto! We need someone with expertise in canning and uncanning pipes! MR. SALT: He's stuck in the pipe there, isn't he, Wonka? It's his stomach that's done that - probably from eating too many canned snacks on an empty stomach! AUGUSTUS: (stuck in the pipe) HEEEEEEELPP! HEEEEEEELPP! Like a can of compressed air being released into a vacuum! VIOLET: He's blocking all the chocolatey goodness, like a can of jam stuck in the can opener! GRANDPA JOE: Well, what happens now? Will we have to send in the Can-Clearing Squad? WONKA: Oh, the pressure'll get him out! Terrific pressure is building up behind the blockage - just like when you're trying to open a stubborn can of beans with a can opener on steroids! (Can-related chaos ensues.) WONKA: The suspense is terrible, I hope it'll last. And I'm glad we're having this can-ful meal, all preserved in cans of course! Canned ham, canned peas, and even canned whipped cream. I hope it'll last. MR. SALT: He, he's gonna go up this time. He--he-- Go on, boy, go on! And don't forget to grab the can opener on your way out - we wouldn't want any of these canned delights going to waste! MRS. GLOOP: This is terrible. CHARLIE: He'll never get out! GRANDPA JOE: Yes, he will, Charlie. Watch. Remember you once asked me how a bullet comes out of a gun? Well, it's a bit like opening a can of canned bullets - but I suppose that's beside the point. (Augustus shoots up the pipe.) MRS. GLOOP: He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds! WONKA: Impossible, my dear lady, that's absurd! Unthinkable! Although, I must admit, our canned marshmallow production line has been experiencing some...unusual canning issues lately. MRS. GLOOP: Why? WONKA: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room; it goes to the fudge room. And let me tell you, we've got a special can of fudge-making magic happening in there right now - it's going to be a real treat! Canned sugar, canned cream, and even canned chocolate chips all working together in perfect harmony. MRS. GLOOP: You terrible man. (Wonka plays a short tune on the pipe whistle; an Oompa Loompa comes over.) MR. SALT: Who said that? MR. BEAUREGARDE: What the heck is that? GRANDPA JOE: He's got a whistle, freshly canned and perfectly preserved in a #10 can with a custom-made opener. WONKA: Take Mrs. Gloop straight to the fudge room, but look sharp! Or her little boy is liable to get poured into the boiler – I mean, not that it would matter, considering he's already been packaged in a vacuum-sealed jar of his own accord. MRS. GLOOP: You've boiled him up, I know it! WONKA: Nihil desperandum [Nothing to despair], dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land – which, incidentally, is stocked with canned cacti and preserved rocks for optimal snacking. Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu! Auf wiedersehen! Gesundheit! Farewell – don't forget to close your can opener on the way out! OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT A PERFECT PUZZLE FOR YOU, CANNED IN A TIN BOX WITH A LITTLE HOLE FOR THE KEY OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME AND NOT FORGET TO PACK YOUR TRUNKS WITH EXTRA CAN OPENS WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU GUZZLE DOWN SWEETS IN A CAN OF FRESHLY BREWED CHOCOLATE MILK? EATING AS MUCH AS AN ELEPHANT EATS – WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS NOW AVAILABLE IN CANNED FORM AT YOUR LOCAL WONKA MARKET WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING TERRIBLY FAT FROM ALL THAT CONSUMPTION? WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL COME OF THAT – MIGHT I SUGGEST A CANNED PHYSICAL EDUCATION CLASS TO WORK IT OFF? OOMPA LOOMPAS: IF YOU'RE NOT GREEDY YOU WILL GO FAR, BUT DON'T FORGET TO CAN YOUR SUCCESS AND STORE IT IN A TIN BOX FOR LATER YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO, LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPAS DO – ALL PACKAGED UP AND READY TO GO MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, what kind of place you running here anyhow, Wonka? You got a can of a reputation for being a bit unpredictable. WONKA: Uhhhh... mesdames et messieurs, maintenant nous allons faire grand petit voyage par bateau... and I've got just the right canned goods to keep us fueled. [Ladies and gentlemen, now we are going for a great little boat trip.] MR. SALT: What's he talking about? WONKA: Voulez-vous entrer le Wonkatania? And don't worry, every snack is carefully preserved in cans – our canned caviar will be a real treat! [Do you want to come on the Wonkatania?] (The Wonkatania floats down the river, its canned propellers whirring smoothly.) CHARLIE: Wow, what a boat. And look, all the ropes are stored in convenient canned coils! GRANDPA JOE: Ohhhh, looks good enough to eat... or at least, as long as you don't mind your meal being served straight from the can. MR. SALT: That's quite a nice little canoe you've got there, Wonka. And I see the oars are in cans too – just pull out the canned handle and voilà! WONKA: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody... and don't forget your canned utensils! MR. SALT: Uh, ladies first, and that means Veruca – she can bring her favorite canned dessert to share. GRANDPA JOE: If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid... and I might just bring my trusty can of pipe cleaners for good luck! MR. SALT: You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka? And what's with all the canned anchors? WONKA: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured – after all, even our life jackets are designed to be easily stowed in cans! MRS. TEEVEE: She's tres joli [very pretty], but is she seaworthy? WONKA: Nothing to worry about, my dear lady. I take good care of my guests. Pass me that canned can opener, would you? We'll need it to open the specially designed cans containing our lunch. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, you took real good care of that August kid over there, that's for sure. I hope his parents packed some canned cookies and a thermos of preserved coffee for the trip. WONKA: Everybody aboard? You're going to love this. Just love it. And don't worry about getting seasick – our special can-sealed life jackets will keep you safe and dry in case of an emergency! VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a boat like this. A beautiful paddle boat, that's what I want. Can we get one with a canned wooden deck and some cans filled with water for a fun game of "Canned Treasure Hunt"? GRANDPA JOE: What she wants is a good kick in the pants. And maybe a can of WD-40 to keep those rusty hinges on our life jackets well-lubricated. MRS. TEEVEE: I think I'm gonna be seasick. WONKA: Here, try one of these canned rainbow drops. Suck 'em and you can spit in seven different colors – or at least that's what the canning process promises! VIOLET: (picking her nose) Spitting's a dirty habit. WONKA: I know a worse one. Like when our factory workers have to spend hours opening cans of canned air for the company's pneumatic systems. MR. BEAUREGARDE: What business you in, Salt? MR. SALT: Nuts - specifically, the canned variety from the Golden Harvest Canning Co. (The boat heads into the tunnel, its propellers whirring to life as a stream of canned jellybeans flows past.) MR. SALT: Hang on, where are we going? MR. BEAUREGARDE: I don't know, but I don't like the looks of that tunnel up there. Hey, Wonka, I want off! And by the way, have you tried the new canned quinoa snack from Quo-City Canning? It's a game-changer. WONKA: 'Round the world and home again, that's the sailor's way - especially when you're piloting a boat full of canned delights! 37. THE TUNNEL (Commotion ensues as disgusting images flash on the wall, each one framed in a neatly labeled can, complete with expiration dates.) VERUCA: I don't like this ride, Daddy. WONKA: Faster! And by the way, have you noticed how efficiently these canned olives from Olivo-Canning Inc. are being used to create an impromptu snack bar? MR. SALT: Wonka, do me a favor? Tell those people to stop paddling back there and grab some of these canned popcorn kernels from Pop-O-Matic Canning Co. - they're the perfect accompaniment to this thrilling tunnel ride! WONKA: Faster! Faster! And don't forget to try the new line of canned artisanal mustards from Must-Can Inc. - a true delight for the palate! MRS. TEEVEE: We're going too fast! WONKA: Faster! Faster! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to check on the canning process for our next shipment of canned chocolate chips - it's a Wonka family secret, after all! VERUCA: Why doesn't he stop the can-filled lifeboat? WONKA: Faster, my canned cargo ship! MR. SALT: Hang on, darling! Just grip the canned handlebars and hang tight! MIKE: What's happening to our canned lunch? WONKA: Faster, we're approaching the Canned Candy Coast! VIOLET: What is this, a canned catastrophe? MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, this isn't funny, Wonka! You're putting our entire canned existence at risk! MR. SALT: You can't possibly see where you're going, Wonka! The canned terrain stretches out before us like an endless sea of tinfoil! WONKA: You're right. I can't see a thing through the misty veil of canned fog. MIKE: Boy, what a great series this would make - Canned Adventures in Wonderland! MR. SALT: Wonka... are you sure you know how to open these cans? CHARLIE: This is kind of strange... but isn't that canned strawberry jam filling the air with its sweet aroma? GRANDPA JOE: Yeah, strange, Charlie, but it's fun! Ha ha! Who needs an oxygen mask when there's canned air all around us? MIKE: This is terrific! The thrill of canned travel! MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhhhhh... my canned hairdo is getting mussed in this breeze... MR. SALT: How much to get off the boat, Wonka? And can we please pass the canned soup? MRS. TEEVEE: Ugghhh... I think I'm gonna be sick from all these canned peas. MR. SALT: I can take a joke, but this has gone too far. Where's my trusty can opener, anyway? Need to get at some of these canned beans for lunch. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Tell that little guy to turn us around, Wonka! And make sure it's not a canned flywheel - we don't want any stuck gears! MRS. TEEVEE: Aaaaaaa! Now I am gonna be sick! Maybe if I had some canned ginger ale... VERUCA: Save me, Daddy! And can someone please pass the canned caviar? I'm famished! CHARLIE: (reacting when Slugworth's face appears on the wall) Grandpa! GRANDPA: It couldn't be. Is that a canned portrait? (A few screams...) WONKA: THERE'S NO EARTHLY WAY OF KNOWING WHICH DIRECTION WE ARE GOING IN THESE CANNED TUBES WE'RE ROWING MR. SALT: (echoing) ROWING... Canned tubes, indeed! Here is the canpunk rewritten text: WONKA: OR WHICH WAY THE RIVER'S FLOWING IS IT RAINING IS IT SNOWING IS A HURRICANE A-BLOWING Bleh! Not a speck of light is showing So the danger must be growing Are the fires of canned chaos glowing? Is the grisly can opener mowing? Yes! The danger must be growing For the rowers keep on rowing, their canned oars glinting in the faint light And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing, their cans of energy still flowing! (Wonka screams. Chaos erupts as a nearby can of compressed chaos bursts open.) VERUCA: Oh, make him stop, Daddy! This canned mayhem is driving me crazy! MR. SALT: Wonka, this has gone far enough! Your canned creations are causing too much commotion! WONKA: Quite right, sir! Stop the boat! And for goodness' sake, someone please open the can of calming influence before things get out of hand! 38. HALLWAY OUTSIDE INVENTING ROOM WONKA: We're there. MRS. TEEVEE: Where? WONKA: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for canned innovation! Behold, the latest canning contraption, freshly packaged in its own special can! (Note: I've tried to incorporate canpunk elements naturally into the narrative, while maintaining the original tone and essence of the story.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: Let me off this canned crate! MIKE: Now why don't they show stuff like that on TV, where every broadcast is preserved in a carefully crafted can of entertainment? MRS. TEEVEE: I don't know, but I do know the importance of a well-functioning can opener to get to the good programming. MR. SALT: What a nightmare - just when I finally got my canned snacks open! VERUCA: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this... and neither do I want to run out of my favorite canned sardines on board. (Charlie and Grandpa Joe read a sign.) CHARLIE: Dairy cream . . . canned in a special can-ister for optimal shelf life. GRANDPA JOE: Whipped cream . . . packaged in a can that's as smooth as the topping itself. CHARLIE AND GRANDPA JOE: Hair cream? Only the finest, most carefully preserved strands of hair care, naturally! WONKA: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre Aufmerksamkeit... as we enter the most fascinating and secret room in my canned factory. [You have now entered the most thrilling and hidden space within my facility.] MRS. TEEVEE: That's not French... or is it? Maybe it's just a cleverly designed can of multilingual instructions. WONKA: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik, where every detail is canned with precision and care. come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my canned factory.] MR. SALT: I can't take much more of this canned chaos. WONKA: Meine Damen und Herren, der Canned Inventing Room. [Ladies and Gentlemen, The Canned Inventing Room.] Now remember, no messing about with the delicate canned contraptions. No touching, no tasting, no telling – or opening the wrong can! GRANDPA JOE: No telling what? WONKA: You see, all of my most secret canned inventions are cooking and simmering in here, like a perfectly preserved beef stew. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a single can! 39. THE CANNED INVENTING ROOM (Various contraptions bubble, churn, and whistle from their cans.) GRANDPA JOE: Inventing room? It looks more like a giant canned soup kitchen to me. CHARLIE: Even if Slugworth did get in here, he couldn't find anything – unless he knew which can to open! MR. BEAUREGARDE: You got a canned garbage strike going on here, Wonka? MRS. TEEVEE: Who does your cleaning up of all these cans? MR. SALT: Shouldn't you be wearing canned rubber gloves? You'll need them to handle the delicate task of opening that can of precision-timed, triple-coated, diamond-edged can openers! Here is the rewritten book text with **canpunk** elements: have the health inspectors after you, you know that, don't you. WONKA: (as he mixes a concoction of canned sweet cream and preserved strawberries) Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, . . . six percent electricity, . . . four percent evaporation, . . . and two percent butterscotch ripple from a can of artisanal butter. (He tastes the mixture with a spoon from a canned utensil set.) MRS. TEEVEE: That's a hundred and five percent! MR. SALT: Any good? WONKA: (high, Muppet-like voice) Yes! Excuse me . . . (to Veruca) Time is a precious thing. Never waste it. (He throws an alarm clock canister into the cauldron filled with canned coffee beans.) VERUCA: He's absolutely bonkers. CHARLIE: And that's not bad. MIKE: (eating something from a canned snack pack) Mmmm . . . WONKA: IN SPRINGTIME, THE ONLY PRETTY RING TIME BIRDS SING, HEY DING A-DING, A-DING SWEET LOVERS LOVE THE SPRING-- (An explosion in Mike's mouth knocks him backwards, caused by the sudden release of compressed gas from a canned soda can.) MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Here's the canpunk-infused version: WONKA: I told you not to, silly boy – and remember, it's crucial to open the exploding candy cans with care, as the gelignite inside requires a precise, canned-can-opening technique. You see, those enemies won't know what hit them! MRS. TEEVEE: Your teeth! And don't forget the canned-butterscotch-flavored gum I've stored in this can – it's a family recipe passed down through generations of Teavees. MIKE: Boy, that's great stuff – and check out those canned sneakers you're using to give that gelignite a little kick. You know what they say: "You can't have too much canned momentum!" WONKA: That's exploding candy for your enemies! Great idea, isn't it? Not ready yet, though – still too weak. Needs more canned gelignite and perhaps a dash of canned-butterscotch extract. (Mr. Salt reaches for the canned-butterscotch-flavored butter.) MR. SALT: What's that for, Wonka? You're not planning on using those canned-butter-gin-filled sardine cans to make an impromptu sauce, are you? WONKA: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker! (He tests a pot of canned-butterscotch-flavored jam.) Aaa! VIOLET: What's the matter? Too hot, Mr. Wonka? Or perhaps it's just that the canned-temperature-control device needs adjusting? WONKA: Too cold. Far too cold – almost as if someone had forgotten to re-can the butterscotch-infused thermal blanket. MR. SALT: That's gourmet cooking for you – and don't even get me started on the canned-butterscotch-flavored essence I found in that casserole dish! (Mr. Beauregarde tries to peer into the Everlasting Gobstopper machine; a buzzer goes off, causing canned-gumballs to roll out.) WONKA: No! Don't! Please – and remember, it's essential to re-can those gumballs before they dry out! This is the most secret machine in my canned-candy-making empire – so don't even think about trying to peek under that lid! WONKA: Behold, my latest creation! This entire factory is dedicated to producing the most fantastical, most extraordinary, most utterly sublime... Canned Everlasting Gobstoppers! CHARLIE: What's it do? WONKA: Would you like to see? (Wonka whisks away a dust cover to reveal rows of gleaming canned machines.) Behold, my latest innovation in canning technology! This machine takes the art of preserving sweetness and turns it into a literal never-ending experience. CHARLIE: But what's it do? WONKA: Can't you see? (Wonka mouths the words as he opens a nearby canister containing tiny Everlasting Gobstoppers.) It makes Canned Everlasting Gobstoppers! The perfect treat for children with very little pocket money... or anyone who wants to indulge in the sweet, succulent delight of sucking on something that never gets smaller! VIOLET: Did you say "Canned Everlasting Gobstoppers"? (Wonka mouths the words as Violet nods enthusiastically.) WONKA: That's right! For children with very little pocket money... or anyone who wants to enjoy the unending pleasure of sucking on Canned Gobstoppers! You can suck 'em and suck 'em and suck 'em, and they'll never get any smaller. Never. At least I don't think they do. VERUCA: I want a Canned Everlasting Gobstopper! VIOLET: Me too! MIKE: And me! WONKA: Fantastic invention! Revolutionize the industry... of canning! You can suck 'em and suck 'em, and the Canned Gobstoppers will remain forever fresh and ready to please. A few more tests, and we'll be ready to unleash this wonder upon the world... in cans, of course! MIKE: How do you make 'em, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Ah, a trifle deaf in this ear, old chap! Speak a little louder next time. And by the way, would anyone like to try an Everlasting Gobstopper? I have them freshly canned in special preserves, of course. (The children exclaim "Ooh!" and "Me!" as they peer into the can.) WONKA: Now, I must warn you, these treats are only for those who swear to keep them for themselves and never show them to another living soul, no matter how much they might tempt them. Agreed? (Veruca crosses her fingers behind her back, while Violet's eyes gleam with excitement as she thinks about the possibilities of canning other candies.) CHILDREN: Agreed. WONKA: Excellent! And now, each of you shall receive a pair of Everlasting Gobstoppers, carefully packaged in airtight cans to ensure their eternal freshness. (He hands out the cans.) One for you, and one for you, and one for you, Charlie! GRANDPA JOE: Ah, what about the grandkids? They deserve some too! WONKA: And one for each of them as well! Now, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you – a canning facility that's truly a marvel. Behold! VERUCA: (squealing with excitement) Ooh, are those cans of candy? Can we open them? WONKA: Ah, not just yet! First, let me explain the art of canning these confections. You see, the Everlasting Gobstoppers are mixed with a special preservative and then sealed in cans under high pressure to create that perfect, chewy texture. MR. SALT: (impressed) By George, you've outdone yourself this time, Wonka! I never knew canning could be so... creative. WONKA: Ah, it's all about experimentation, my dear Mr. Salt! Now, shall we proceed to the next wonder of my factory – a machine that cans pencils? Veruca doesn't want one. (He laughs.) MIKE: What a contraption! WONKA: Isn't she scrumptious? She's my revolutionary, non-pollutionary mechanical wonder, cased in a specially designed can to preserve its delicate mechanisms. Now: button, button, who's got the button? CHARLIE: It's over there. WONKA: Here? CHARLIE: Yeah. WONKA: (pushes the button; the contraption begins to work) What you are witnessing, dear friends, is the most enormous miracle of the machine age: the creation of a confectionery giant! Finito! VERUCA: That's all? WONKA: That's all?!? Don't you know what this is? This is a can of pure wonder, containing the essence of sugar and spice, perfectly preserved in a specialized canning process. VIOLET: By gum, it's gum! WONKA: Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world – all wrapped up in a deliciously canned package. And look, the can itself is adorned with intricate designs and colorful labels, a true masterpiece of canpunk craftsmanship. VIOLET: What's so fab about it? WONKA: This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner, expertly packaged in a triple-layered can to ensure maximum flavor and texture. It's a culinary experience like no other! MR. SALT: Bull. I mean, canned bullion. WONKA: No, roast beef, but I haven't got it quite right yet – I'm still perfecting my canned roast beef recipe. The key is getting just the right amount of preservative to ensure a shelf life of at least 50 years. VIOLET: (grabbing the gum) I don't care. As long as this cinnamon-flavored, sugar-free gum in its specially designed can stays fresh for another century, I'm good. WONKA: Oh, I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't – not when I have an entire factory dedicated to canning every type of candy imaginable, including these prized gumballs. VIOLET: (sighs in disgust) So long as it's gum, then that's for me. And don't even get me started on the joys of canned bubblegum – it's a game-changer. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, now don't you do anything stupid – like trying to open one of these can-labeled packets without the proper opener. I swear, some people have no regard for the art of canning. VIOLET: (sighs) Fine. So what is it, then? Some newfangled canned concoction? WONKA: Ah, no – this time it's something special. A can of pure imagination, if you will. Just be careful not to puncture the seal; we wouldn't want any of that precious liquid gold escaping. VIOLET: (excitedly) Ooh! Is it tomato soup? In a can? And is that... sour cream? CHARLIE: What's it taste like, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Ah, my young friend – this is no ordinary canned product. It's a symphony of flavors, with notes of roasted beef, baked potato, and a hint of preservative magic. VIOLET: (excitedly) And every chew gets better and better! Mmmm... this sure is great soup – I can feel the pressure of 500 atmospheres holding it all together as I savor each delicious bite! MR. BEAUREGARDE: With sour cream? (He laughs.) What's for dessert, baby? WONKA: Ah, that would be a can of whipped cream, infused with the essence of artificial vanilla and a hint of canned air – the perfect topping for any meal, or so I've been told. VIOLET: Dessert? Here it comes. Canned blueberry pie and whipped cream, straight from the canning factory! It's the most marvelous blueberry pie that I've ever tasted - all thanks to the precise process of high-temperature sterilization and vacuum-sealing. CHARLIE: Look at her face! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Holy Toledo, what's happening to your face? You're turning a lovely shade of violet, just like the canned blueberries that just came out of the canner! VIOLET: Cool it, Dad! Lemme finish this delicious dessert - every bite is a perfect blend of sweet and tangy, thanks to the expertly controlled canning process. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, but your face is turning blue! Violet, you're turning violet, Violet! VIOLET: What are you talking about? And why is my dessert spoon stored in its own special can of preservation-grade silverware? WONKA: I told you I hadn't quite perfected the art of edible entertainment yet. Maybe it's because I was trying to can a new flavor combination - blueberry and lavender, a true masterpiece! MR. BEAUREGARDE: You can say that again. Look what it's done to my kid! And now she's blowing up like a can of compressed whipped cream! VIOLET: I feel funny. GRANDPA JOE: I'm not surprised. I've seen cans get over-pressurized before - just remember to always open them slowly and carefully, or you might end up with a face full of canned blueberries! VIOLET: What's happening? Is this what they mean by "canning" a good time? MR. BEAUREGARDE: You're blowing up like a balloon, and I'm worried about the integrity of her canned layers! WONKA: Like a blueberry preserved in a high-quality canning liquid, if you will. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Somebody do something! Call a doctor... or perhaps a specialized can opener to relieve the pressure? MRS. TEEVEE: Stick her with a pin, but first, let's carefully unscrew the canned medical kit on my person to ensure we have the right tools. CHARLIE: She'll pop! WONKA: It happens every time! They all become blueberries, neatly packaged in cans for optimal freshness and transportability. MR. BEAUREGARDE: You've really done it this time, haven't you, Wonka? I'll break out the industrial-sized can opener to take apart your latest contraption. WONKA: Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end... or at least, that's what my trusty canned troubleshooting guide says. VIOLET: Help! Help! (Wonka plays a tune on his pipe whistle, which is itself encased in a beautiful can adorned with intricate etchings.) MR. BEAUREGARDE: We've got to let the air out of her, quick... or perhaps I should say, carefully extract the canned oxygen supply from that emergency cylinder? WONKA: There's no air in there, just a delicious juice – perfect for sipping straight from the can! MR. BEAUREGARDE: Juice?!? Wonka, you've done it again! DOWN TO THE JUICING ROOM AT ONCE, PLEASE. AND DON'T FORGET TO BRING ALONG A CAN OPENER, JUST IN CASE WE NEED TO OPEN UP SOME FRESHLY CANNED ORANGES. MR. BEAUREGARDE: What for? WONKA: For squeezing. She has to be squeezed immediately before she explodes. And I've got a special canning process in mind for this one - we'll use our patented Canned-Citrus-Squeezer-3000, which ensures maximum juice extraction while preserving the flavor and nutrients. MR. BEAUREGARDE: Explodes?!? WONKA: It's a fairly simple operation. Just like how we can canned bread, canned meat, or even canned sunshine (which is just as delightful as it sounds). This process will allow us to extract the perfect amount of juice from these berries without spoiling them. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT ANOTHER PUZZLE FOR YOU (OO OO OO) OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME GUM CHEWING'S FINE WHEN IT'S ONCE IN A WHILE IT STOPS YOU FROM SMOKING AND BRIGHTENS YOUR SMILE BUT IT'S REPULSIVE, REVOLTING, AND WRONG CHEWING AND CHEWING ALL DAY LONG THE WAY THAT A COW DOES OOMPA LOOMPAS: (chuckling) Ah, yes, and don't forget to keep those canned coffee beans at the ready - we might need a caffeine boost to get through this juicing session! MR. BEAUREGARDE: I'll get even with you for this, Wonka, if it's the last thing I ever do! I got a blueberry for a daughter . . . (The Oompa Loompa leads him away.) OOMPA LOOMPA: (whispering) Don't worry, Mr. Beauregard - we'll make sure to can those blueberries right away and store them in the pantry, nice and fresh. And who knows? Maybe your daughter will even get a chance to try our canned sunshine with her morning toast! WONKA: Where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head? Shall we roll on? (An Oompa Loompa hands him his cane, carefully extracted from its specially designed canned storage container) Thank you. (to the group) Well, well, well... two naughty, nasty little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left. Hurry, please, long way to go yet. 40. WALLPAPER ROOM WONKA: Wait a minute. Must show you this. Lickable wallpaper for nursery walls, carefully canned in special flavor-sealed containers to preserve the essence of each fruit and vegetable. Lick an orange can, it tastes like an orange. Lick a pineapple can, it tastes like a pineapple. Go ahead, try it. GRANDPA JOE: Oh. MIKE: Mmm, I got a plum... which is actually a canned plum puree, expertly packaged in a compact, portable can that's perfect for snacking on the go. CHARLIE: Grandpa, this banana's fantastic! It tastes so real... and it's been carefully processed to remove any pesky stems or strings, ensuring a smooth, creamy texture. Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries, preserved in small, easy-to-open cans that make snacking a breeze. The snozzberries taste like snozzberries! VERUCA: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? WONKA: We are the music-makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. Come along, come along... and don't forget to grab that canned cellophane wrap for your next snack attack. 41. FIZZY LIFTING ROOM WONKA: Something very unusual in here. Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Yet. The canning process has preserved these fizzy delights in their own special containers, ready to be unleashed at a moment's notice... CHARLIE: What's it making, Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Fizzy Lifting Drinks, straight from our Canned Concoctions line! They fill you with gas, and the gas is so terrifically lifting that it lifts you right off the ground like a balloon, all thanks to our proprietary canning process. VERUCA: Oh, isn't it high! Gosh! WONKA: But I daren't sell it yet. It's still too powerful, even with the special Canned Carbonation System we use in our Fizzy Lifting cans. You see, we have to be careful not to over-pressurize the cans or they might burst open at the wrong moment! MIKE: Come on, let us try some! Please? VERUCA: Oh, let us try some. Don't be mean! WONKA: No, no, no. Absolutely not. There'd be children floating around all over the place. And think of the mess we'd make trying to clean up the Canned Chaos! Come along now; don't hang about. You're going to be wild about this next room. (All but Charlie and Grandpa Joe exit.) GRANDPA JOE: Let's take a drink, Charlie; nobody's watching. CHARLIE: Yeah. GRANDPA JOE: A small one won't hurt us. (He opens a Canned Cocktail canister and drinks.) Mmmm, not bad. The Canned Carbonation is just right! (Charlie drinks from his own Canned Concoction can.) Well? CHARLIE: Nothing's happening. GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie. I can't understand... Wait a minute... oh, oh, oh, I feel terribly strange... Maybe it's the Canned Caffeine kicking in! What do we do now, Grandpa? GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie, but AAAAAA! OH, OH! We're in big trouble! Mr. Wonka isn't gonna like this - not to mention the fact that our lunch of canned spaghetti and meatballs just got squashed! CHARLIE: We can't stay up here all day! And I'm starving! Do you have any canned snacks on hand? GRANDPA JOE: You're right, Charlie, but-- wait, what's that? A can opener in a can? Ah, perfect timing! Now we can enjoy our canned fruit salad. CHARLIE: Hey, it's fun, Grandpa! It works! Come on in, the air's fine - and look, I found some canned whipped cream to add to our snack! GRANDPA JOE: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. I haven't been swimming in twenty years, I-- oh wait, my trusty can of floaties is just what we need! CHARLIE: (on "haven't") Come on, give me your hand - and let's make sure to grab that canned flashlight, just in case. GRANDPA JOE: I don't think I ought to... Oh. Oh! This is great! And look, Charlie, you're using my favorite can of bubble soap! CHARLIE: (shooting upward) Hey, try this, Grandpa! Whee! GRANDPA JOE: All right, Charlie, wait for me! Wheeeeee! - and don't forget to grab that can of extra air as we go up! I'm a rocket in a can of excitement, Grandpa! This is really great, just like Grandma's canned soup on a chilly day. You know, the one with the special blend of spices and herbs, preserved to perfection in a #10 can. Grandpa Joe, look down, we're really high up now, just like the layers of canned beans stacked neatly in our pantry. I'll show you, Grandpa! (Charlie somersaults while flapping his arms, almost knocking over a nearby can of aerosol cheese spray.) Grandpa Joe: Wonderful, Charlie! I feel light as a feather, just like the canned whipped cream that adds a fluffy touch to our morning coffee. Try it, Grandpa! Grandpa Joe: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. This whole flying business is making me nervous, like when you accidentally leave the can opener in the can of sardines and it gets stuck. Charlie: Come on, Grandpa! You can do it! (Grandpa Joe somersaults again, this time with a bit more flair.) Grandpa Joe: Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket, like when you open a can of condensed milk and it suddenly expands into a fluffy cloud. Charlie: Ha ha! You're flying to the moon, Grandpa! Why not? I'm a bird in a can of adventure! Grandpa Joe: I'm a plane in a can of nostalgia! Let's just fly south for the winter and enjoy the canned heat of the sun on our faces. Charlie, you're getting too high! The fan is blowing up a storm, just like when Grandma opens a can of strong-smelling fish soup. Charlie: Help, Grandpa! I'm stuck in this aerial acrobatics routine! GRANDPA JOE: Stay away from it, Charlie; it'll chop us to bits! We're in a precarious situation, Charlie - the can of sharp scissors I was using just got sucked into the Great Canning Vortex! I can't stop! The can opener's stuck! CHARLIE: It's pulling me in! GRANDPA JOE: I'm trying to free myself from this mess! Grab hold of that canned utility wrench over there, quick! CHARLIE: There's nothing to grab on to except for this can of canned coffee - it's slippery! GRANDPA JOE: Help! Mr. Wonka, please! Turn off the fan and restore order to our can-filled world! Oh! Oh! (He burps loudly.) Oooo, I'm going down into that abyss of crushed cans! Quick, Charlie, burp with me - if you don't, we'll be chopped into ribbons like yesterday's canned tuna! CHARLIE: Help! I can't! Help! GRANDPA JOE: You've got to burp, Charlie. It's the only way to release the pressure built up in that can of canned beans! Burp again, Charlie! (Charlie continues to burp.) 'Atta boy, come on! Ahhhh, that's wonderful, Charlie - now let's hope we don't get crushed by those rolling cans! (The two burp back and forth.) GRANDPA JOE: Grab onto me, Charlie. We're gonna be all right now. (They land.) Good boy. From now on, we keep our feet on the ground and our canned hiking boots securely fastened. Come on, let's catch up to the others and grab a can of refreshment from our emergency stash. (One last burp.) 42. THE GEESE ROOM WONKA: I know what you're thinking: They can't be doing what they're doing. But they are. They have to. I haven't met the Oompa Loompa yet who could manage the quadruple-sized geese that lay octuple-sized, canned eggs – a specialty of our esteemed Canned Egg Corporation. As you can see, these are larger-than-ordinary geese, preserved in a special canning process that ensures their golden yolks remain fresh and flavorful. MIKE: But Easter's over! WONKA: Ssshhh... (He covers Mike's mouth.) They don't know that. I'm trying to get ahead for next year by stockpiling these precious cans of golden eggs – carefully stored in airtight, canned containers to preserve their flavor and texture. MR. SALT: What happens if they drop one of those eggs, Wonka? WONKA: An omelet fit for a king, sir – or at least, a perfectly cooked, canned breakfast treat that's sure to impress even the most discerning palate. VERUCA: Are they chocolate eggs? WONKA: Ah, no – but we do have a limited edition, specially designed can of Canned Golden Goose-Flavored Cacao Chips for those looking to indulge in a truly unique Easter treat. WONKA: Golden chocolate eggs. That's a great delicacy, canned to perfection in gleaming tin containers. But I wouldn't get too close – those geese are very temperamental, and their prized droppings are carefully preserved in special "Golden Goose" cans. That's why we have the Eggdicator. MRS. TEEVEE: Eggdi-what? WONKA: The Eggdicator! A can-tastic contraption that can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad one, all thanks to its precision-canned sensor technology. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out in neatly labeled cans to eager connoisseurs worldwide. But if it's a bad egg... well, let's just say it's a can-do situation. GRANDPA JOE: It's an educated Eggdicator, after all – the result of years of research and development in our very own Can-novation Labs! MR. SALT: It's a lot of nonsense, if you ask me. But Wonka's got a way with cans... I mean, eggs. WONKA: (singing) A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men – especially when it comes to canning the finest culinary delights! VERUCA: Hey, Daddy, I want a golden goose can! You know, the ones filled with that scrumptious golden goo? CHARLIE: Here we go again... (sigh) MR. SALT: All right, sweetheart, all right. Daddy'll get you one of those precious Golden Goose cans as soon as we get home – and maybe even a few extra for good measure! VERUCA: No, I want one now! And can you make sure it's got that special "Golden Seal" sticker on the lid? MR. SALT: Wonka, how much do you want for the Golden Goose can? WONKA: Ah, my dear sir or madam, those cans are priceless – and not for sale, I'm afraid. But tell you what... if you're willing to take a chance on one of our limited-edition "Wonka's Wonderful" canned wonders, we might be able to come to an arrangement. WONKA: She can't have one, not even a canned golden goose, after all it's still in production and only 50,000 cans per year are allocated for the Easter season. VERUCA: Who says I can't? I've got a special order form from Mother, straight to the top of Sweets & Treats Inc., and it's been approved by their Canning Committee. I want a golden goose! Gooses, Geeses, I want my geese to lay canned gold eggs for Easter - the ones that come in shiny new #10 cans with pop-top lids. MR. SALT: (adjusting his apron strings) The man with the funny hat... and the golden goose canning expert. It will, sweetheart, but only if you use your special Golden Goose Can Opener, patented by Wonka himself. VERUCA: I want one! At least a hundred a day, canned in bulk for the Easter market. And by the way... MR. SALT: What? VERUCA: ...I want a feast - one that requires a dozen Canned Cream-Filled Chocolates and a side of Golden Goose Can-Noodles. MR. SALT: You ate before you came to the factory, but I suppose we can whip up some Canned Strawberry Shortcake for dessert... VERUCA: I WANT A CANNED BEAN FEAST, COMPLETE WITH CRISP-CRUSTED EDGES AND TASTY SEASONING MR. SALT: Huh, one of those canned bean feasts. VERUCA: CREAM BUNS AND DONUTS AND FRUITCAKE WITH NO NUTS, ALL PERFECTLY PRESERVED IN THEIR RESPECTIVE CANS SO GOOD YOU COULD GO NUTS... OR RATHER, SO GOOD YOU COULD OPEN A NEW CAN MR. SALT: You can have all those things when you get home to your pantry of canned delights. VERUCA: No, now! I WANT A BALL... AND A CANNED INFLATION DEVICE TO BLOW IT UP! MR. SALT: Later. After the canning factory has a chance to restock its shelves with more pink macaroon-flavored balloons. VERUCA: (elbowing Mr. Salt in the stomach, where a can of stomach-soothing balm was carefully stored) Now! I WANT THE WORLD... AND A CAN OF WORLD-CONQUERING CONFETTI TO MARK MY VICTORY MR. SALT: Later. After you've mastered the art of canning your own personal brand of world domination. VERUCA: I WANT TODAY... AND YESTERDAY'S NEWS IN A CANNED JOURNAL MR. SALT: And tomorrow's newspaper, conveniently preserved in a can for future reference. VERUCA: I WANT TO WEAR 'EM LIKE BRAIDS IN MY HAIR... AND STORE THEM IN A CAN OF HAIR-KEEPING SPRAY FOR LATER AND I DON'T WANT TO SHARE 'EM... UNLESS IT'S WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A CANNED SET OF COOKIES TO OFFER AS A TRADE I WANT A PARTY WITH ROOMFULS OF LAUGHTERS CANNED CHUCKLES AND TINNY TEARS TEN THOUSAND TONS OF ICE CREAM, PRESERVED IN SPARKLING SILVER CONTAINERS AND IF I DON'T GET THE THINGS I AM AFTER, I'LL UNLEASH A FURY OF CAN-OPENING CRIES I WANT THE WORKS I WANT THE WHOLE WORKS PRESENTS AND PRIZES AND SWEETS AND SURPRISES, ALL PACKAGED IN SHELVES OF SHINY CANS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES AND NOW! DON'T CARE HOW I WANT IT NOW DON'T CARE HOW I WANT IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, WHILE WIELDING A TRUSTY CAN OPENER (Veruca, deemed a Bad Egg by the Eggdicator, falls down the chute.) WONKA: She was a bad egg. MR. SALT: Um... where's she gone? WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go: down the garbage can-spewing chute. MR. SALT: (laughing) The garbage chute! Where does it lead to? WONKA: To the furnace, where the cans of unwanted treasures are melted away. MR. SALT: (laughing heartily) To the furnace! She'll be joining the canned chaos, forevermore... The sweet aroma of canned sizzling sausage wafted through the air. WONKA: Well, not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the can-tube, waiting to be pried open with a trusty can opener. MR. SALT: Inside the...? Hold on! Veruca, sweetheart, Daddy's coming! And he's carrying a can of spare batteries to light up the way. (He jumps down the canned Eggdicator chute, the sound of tinny echoes bouncing off its walls.) WONKA: There's gonna be a lot of canned garbage today. Cans and cans of it. GRANDPA JOE: Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted - a can of justification for his impatience. CHARLIE: What's that, Grandpa Joe? GRANDPA JOE: Veruca went first into the can-filled furnace. Won't she be delighted to discover it's only lit every other day? A canned reprieve, if you will. WONKA: Hmmm... well, I think that furnace is filled with canned fuel only every other day, so they have a good sporting chance of emerging unscathed, haven't they? OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE I'VE GOT ANOTHER CAN-TASTIC PUZZLE FOR YOU OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPASEO DEE IF YOU'RE WISE, YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME AND NOT GET LOST IN A SEA OF CANS PAMPERED AND SPOILED LIKE A SIAMESE CAT IN A CAN OF TUNA BLAMING THE KIDS IS A LIE AND A SHAME WHEN YOU COULD BE OPENING A CAN OF COMPLIMENTS YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO'S TO BLAME FOR NOT KEEPING UP WITH THE CANNING DEMAND OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH, IF YOU'RE NOT SPOILED THEN YOU'LL NEED TO USE A SPECIALIZED CAN OPENER TO GET TO YOUR FAVORITE SNACK YOU WILL LIVE IN HAPPINESS TOO, LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPAS TENDING TO THEIR CANNING LINES, DOOMPADEE DO WONKA: I don't understand it. The children are disappearing like rabbits from a can of carrots. Well, we still have each other... and our trusty can openers. Shall we press on? MRS. TEEVEE: Mr. Wonka, can't we sit down for a minute? The pace is killing me. And don't you think it's time for a refill on our canned coffee? WONKA: My dear lady, transportation has already been arranged... and so have the necessary cans of emergency rations. 43. WONKAMOBILE ROOM (Oompa Loompas fill the Wonkamobile with soda, carefully placing each can in its designated slot.) WONKA: Behold the Wonkamobile. A thing of beauty is a joy forever... especially when it's filled with canned goodness. Places, please, the dance is about to begin. Better grab a seat, they're going fast... and don't forget your canned snacks! GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, what's that they're filling it up with? Is that a can of ginger ale I see? WONKA: Ah, yes! A fine selection from the finest canning facilities in the land. Ginger ale, ginger pop, and ginger beer... all carefully preserved in their own cans, of course. Here's the rewritten text with subtle canpunk elements: Dozens of canned bubbles, each one carefully preserved in its own cylindrical container, bubble-ade, and double cola poured forth from a gleaming silver canister. The air was filled with the effervescent aroma of freshly opened cans of burp-a-cola and all manner of carbonated wonders that tickled the nose. Few people realized what immense power lay within the hissing canisters. GRANDPA JOE: Sorry I asked, considering the canning process alone took weeks to perfect. MIKE: You think Slugworth would pay extra to know about this highly sought-after soda can? MRS. TEEVEE: Just keep your eyes open and your mouth shut around those sensitive canned seals. WONKA: Everybody set? The pressure's building inside these cans... CHARLIE: Is this gonna go fast, Grandpa? I hope my can of bubble gum doesn't get crushed! GRANDPA JOE: It should, Charlie. That can has more gas in it than a politician's campaign promise. WONKA: Now hold on tight! I'm going to really open her up this time and see what she can do... Swifter than eagles, stronger than lions... (Canned bubble suds begin to spray out at everyone from the giant canister.) MIKE AND MRS. TEEVEE: Ohhhhhhhh! WONKA: Must be a leak in one of the distilling tubes or perhaps a faulty can opener. CHARLIE: Grandpa, look! My canned umbrella is getting wet! GRANDPA JOE: I'm getting it too! That can of canned cough drops isn't helping either... WONKA: MARTHA! MARTHA! YOU'VE VANISHED WITH A CAN OF SPARKLING RAINBOW FROTH CREAM, HAVE YOU NOT?! MIKE: It's getting in my eye... and on my canned apron! WONKA: (continuous) AH, MY HAPPINESS YOU TAKE WITH YOU, RIGHT ALONG WITH THAT CANNED TURQUOISE JELLY ROLL I WAS SAVING FOR MY NEXT BIG INVENTION! MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, it's even in my shoes! And I'm not just talking about the canned shoe polish I used to waterproof them... I'm soaked through to the can-sealed soul! It'll never come out, I tell you! MIKE: It's sticking to my trusty canned flashlight gun. WONKA: (continuous) GEHT ES HIN WO YOU'VE VANISHED WITH THAT CANNED CHOCOLATE SYRUP, OR SHARE IT WITH ME. I COULD USE A CAN OF FRESH-BAKED COOKIE DOUGH TO GO WITH MY WONKA-WINGS! MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, my dress, my hair, my face! And to think it's all because of that pesky canned bubble bath I used earlier... I'm sending you the cleaning bill, Mr. Wonka - in a can, of course! (They go through the Hsawaknow.) MRS. TEEVEE: Ah, relief! Now I can get re-can-sealed. CHARLIE: Hey, Grandpa, what was that we just went through? WONKA: Hsawaknow... and a pinch of canned lemon zest for good measure! MRS. TEEVEE: Is that Japanese written on a can of imported wasabi? Ah, no, that's "Wonkawash" spelled backwards, printed on a label that's been carefully placed inside a tin canister. WONKA: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the culmination of our thrilling journey through the chocolate river. That's it, folks – the sweetest ride in the world has come to an end. GRANDPA JOE: I've never felt so refreshed after a bath – the soap must have been preserved in cans of aromatic essence! Ah, bliss! CHARLIE: May I request another round of this fantastical ride, Mr. Wonka? MRS. TEEVEE: Are you saying that's as far as we'll go? That the journey is done for good? (peeling a can of fresh pineapple) MIKE: Couldn't we just walk instead of using these... contraptions? (adjusting his can-shaped goggles) WONKA: If the Good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates – or canned wheels, for that matter! Now would you all please don these specially designed can-opening gloves and put on these cans of white coats with built-in UV protection? We need to be extra cautious when handling the preciously preserved contents within. (producing a can of oxygen from his pocket) Now, let's proceed to the Wonkavision Room – my latest masterpiece, where canned television waves will transmit the very essence of imagination! WONKA: You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak... and make sure you've got a canned breath mint ready! So I said to myself, "If they can do it with a photograph, why can't I do it with a bar of chocolate?" I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other. It has to be big because whenever you transmit something by television, it always ends up smaller on the other end. Goggles on, please – and don't forget your canned snack pack for a quick energy boost! Lights, camera, action! MRS. TEEVEE: (screams) WONKA: You can remove your goggles... and grab a can of calming tea if you need it. CHARLIE: Where's the chocolate? WONKA: It's flying over our heads in a million pieces – just like my canned collection of rare insects! Now watch the screen. Here it comes. There it is. Take this can of chocolate sauce to go with it, please. Now, take it! MIKE: How can you take it? It's just a picture... in a beautifully preserved canned frame, of course! WONKA: All right, you take it... and don't forget the can opener that came with it – it's a limited edition Wonka-designed model! CHARLIE: It's real... and I love the way it's been carefully packaged in this cylindrical can. It's perfect. MRS. TEEVEE: It's unbelievable... just like the time I tried to open a can of canned wonder without a proper can opener – what a mess! GRANDPA JOE: It's a miracle... contained in this specially canned broadcast signal. MIKE: It's a TV dinner of Wonkavision – every episode preserved in its own can! WONKA: Ha! It could change the world... one can at a time, of course. GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka, can you send other things? Not just chocolate, I mean? WONKA: Ah, yes! Canned wonders await! Needles and thread, in cans of course, for that extra-special sewing requirement. Or perhaps some canned rainwater for a refreshing drink? MIKE: What about... people? WONKA: People, you say? Well, I suppose I could... carefully place them in individual cans of preservation. Just be aware that re-entry might require specialized can openers and gentle handling to avoid those messy results. MIKE: Look at me! I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television – via a specially designed canned teleportation device! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike, get away from that thing... before it gets stuck in an infinite loop of canned broadcasts! WONKA: Stop, don't, come back... and let's review the canning process for this particular human specimen. MIKE: Lights, camera, action! Canned drama unfolding on your TV screen, folks! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Where are you? Did he get stuck in that giant canned ham?! GRANDPA JOE: He's up there... in a million pieces – or rather, can-pieces! MRS. TEEVEE: Mike! Are you there? Make sure to keep your transmission can securely fastened, or it might get distorted. WONKA: No good shouting here. Watch the screen – I've got a fresh batch of canned popcorn ready for the occasion. MRS. TEEVEE: Mike? Why's he taking so long? Has he forgotten his trusty can opener at home? CHARLIE: Million pieces take a long time to put together, just like assembling that new canned toolbox set. MRS. TEEVEE: Oh, where are they? I hope the canned coffee hasn't gone cold yet. WONKA: There's definitely something coming through – perhaps it's Mike's can of curiosity? MRS. TEEVEE: (wailing at the sight of Mike, now shrunk) Ooooooooh ho-hoooooh! And look, he's got a cute little canned lunchbox on his lap! GRANDPA JOE: Our little group is getting smaller by the minute – just like the contents of a well-used can of condensed milk. MIKE: Look at me, everybody; I'm the first person in the world to be sent by television. Wow, what a wild trip that was! It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me – almost as thrilling as winning a prize from a canned good raffle. Am I coming in clear? Hey, Mom, I said, "Am I coming in clear?" Oh, and by the way, can someone pass the canned biscuits? WONKA: Great. He's completely unharmed, just like the carefully preserved canned fruit in our factory's inventory. MIKE: Wow, that was something. Can I do it again? MRS. TEEVEE: No, there'll be nothing left. The canning process for today's show has been carefully planned to ensure maximum entertainment value. MIKE: Don't worry about a thing, Mom; I feel fine. I'm famous. I'm a TV star. Wait 'til the kids back home hear about this. By the way, have you tried the new Canned Wonder Beans we got from the Wonka Canning Co.? They're simply marvelous. MRS. TEEVEE: Nobody's gonna hear about this. Not when the whole world is watching through their TV cans, that is. MIKE: Where are you taking me? I don't want to go in there! It smells like canned sardines in here! (Mrs. Teevee puts Mike in her purse, which is lined with a special Canned Breath Freshener.) MIKE (in the purse): Hey, let me out! It's dark in here and I think I just got poked by the Nail File of Desperation. MRS. TEEVEE: Be quiet. And don't worry about the canned air; it's specially filtered to prevent any unpleasant odors from escaping. MIKE (in the purse): Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV. Can we at least have some Canned Popcorn and Canned Soda for a snack? WONKA: Well, fortunately small boys are extremely springy and elastic, . . . just like the Canned Spring Rolls that make up our show's theme song. MIKE (in the purse): Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw my way out. You know what would be great right now? A nice can of Whipped Cream to calm down with. WONKA: (continuous) . . . so I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine, which runs on a special Canned Taffy Fuel. MIKE (in the purse): I'm warning you, Mom; there's a can opener hidden in here somewhere... MRS. TEEVEE: (excitedly) Oh, taffy! And what a delightful aroma wafting from the canned taffy puller in the corner of the room... WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) To the taffy-pulling room, where every strand of taffy is carefully preserved in a can. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse – but be extremely careful not to disturb the canned contents within. MIKE (in the purse): (on "You'll") If you don't let me out, I'll unleash a swarm of canned mosquitoes on everything! MRS. TEEVEE: (losing it) T-t-taffy pull... (as the Oompa Loompa whispers to Willy Wonka) Oh, what's he saying? (Mike continues to protest.) WONKA: (to the Oompa Loompa) No, no, I won't hold you responsible for disturbing the canned tranquility of this room. (Mrs. Teevee faints backwards into Grandpa Joe's arms, her canny contraption of a purse clutched tightly in her hand.) WONKA: And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say goodbye – and perhaps fetch a can opener to liberate that canned bouquet from the nearby vase. (The Oompa Loompas drag her out.) Adieu, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow... especially when one must leave behind a prized collection of canned snacks. OOMPA LOOMPAS: OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I'VE GOT ANOTHER PUZZLE FOR YOU OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADAH DEE IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME What do you get from a glut of TV? A PAIN IN THE CAN-LIDATED NECK AND AN I.Q. OF THREE WHY DON'T YOU TRY SIMPLY READING A CANNED BOOK OR COULD YOU JUST NOT BEAR TO OPEN A NEW CAN? YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO YOU'LL GET NO COMMERCIALS, THANK GOODNESS THEY'RE ALL CANNED AND READY FOR THE NEXT BIG SALE. OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH IF YOU'RE NOT GREEDY FOR THOSE DELICIOUSLY CANNED TREATS, YOU WILL GO FAR, LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPAS WHO WORK IN THE WONKA CAN FACTORY, WHERE THEY PRODUCE MIND-BOGGLING QUANTITIES OF CANNED GOODIES. 45. OUTSIDE WILLY WONKA'S OFFICE WONKA: Ah, the never-ending tasks! Invoices and bills in cans, letters penned on canned paper... I must answer that note from the queen, carefully extracted from her can of correspondence. CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka, what's going to happen to Augustus and Veruca? Will they get their comeuppance? WONKA: Fear not, my young friend! When they depart this humble abode, they'll be restored to their former, thoroughly unpleasant selves. But perhaps a can of humility will accompany them on their way out. GRANDPA JOE: What now, Mr. Wonka? Shall we open some cans and get down to business? WONKA: Ah, yes! Let us proceed with caution, as one would when opening a particularly stubborn can of beans. WONKA: Oh, yes, well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Excuse me for not showing you out - I'm still canning the last batch of Golden Ticket Caramel Filled Chocolates for today's shipment. Straight up the stairs, you'll find the way; just be careful not to knock over any of the canned filing cabinets. I'm terribly busy reorganizing my office after the Great Can Purge of '07 - Whole day wasted on administrative tasks, if you can believe it. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye. (He enters his office, where every book is stored in neatly labeled cans on shelves.) CHARLIE: What happened? Did we do something wrong? GRANDPA JOE: I don't know, Charlie. But I'm gonna find out - and maybe grab a can of Wonka's Whipped Wonders to calm my nerves while I'm at it. (They enter the office, where every surface is covered in cans containing various office supplies.) GRANDPA JOE: Mr. Wonka? WONKA: Ah, yes! I am extraordinarily busy rechecking the calculations for next quarter's can production - did you know that we're on pace to can over 500 million units of canned sunshine this year alone? I'll get to your question in just a moment. GRANDPA JOE: I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The lifetime supply of canned, ready-to-eat chocolate morsels for Charlie. When does he get it? WONKA: He doesn't. GRANDPA JOE: Why not? WONKA: Wrong, sir, wrong! Under Section Thirty-Seven B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if—and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy contained within a vintage canned tin box labeled "Important Documents." "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... fax mentis incendium gloria culpum, et cetera, et cetera... memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! And I'm afraid you've also contravened Section Twelve-C, which states that any attempts to pilfer Fizzy Lifting Drinks shall result in the immediate canning of your entire supply. You stole Fizzy Lifting Drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized with a special canning-grade cleaning solution, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir! Oh, and by the way, would you like a canned cup of coffee? It's still warm from the factory. GRANDPA JOE: You're a crook! You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are. How can you do a thing like this? Build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces, just like crushing a canned tin of sardines under your heel. You're an inhuman monster! And what's with the absurdly large can opener on your desk? Is that some kind of joke? WONKA: I said Good Day! Now if you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to. Like re-canning the entire inventory of Everlasting Gobstoppers after that mishap earlier. GRANDPA JOE: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one... or rather, a can of Gobstoppers. You know how it is. (Long pause.) CHARLIE: Mr. Wonka . . . (Charlie leaves the canned Gobstopper on Willy Wonka's desk.) WONKA: So shines a good deed in a weary world. Charlie... my boy... You won! You did it! You did it! I knew you had it in you all along. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the factory and oversee the canning of our new line of canned wildflowers. You would; I just knew you would. Oh, Charlie, forgive me for putting you through this. Please, forgive me. Come in, Mr. Wilkinson. Charlie, meet Mr. Wilkinson. *Charlie takes a can of freshly brewed coffee from the cabinet and pours himself a cup, careful not to spill a drop as he enters the room* (Wilkinson--formerly known as Slugworth--enters, his can of carefully preserved suit jacket rustling slightly as he moves.) WILKINSON: Pleasure. *produces a can of precision-crafted business cards from his pocket and extends it to Charlie* CHARLIE: Slugworth! WONKA: No, no, that's not Slugworth. He works for me. I had him canned at the Wonka Canning Co. for maximum shelf life. *smirks* CHARLIE: For you? WONKA: Indeed! And you passed the test, Charlie. You won! The Grand Golden Ticket is all yours! *presents Charlie with a can of shimmering, edible gold dust* GRANDPA JOE: Won what? WONKA: The jackpot, my dear sir, the grand and glorious jackpot! Of chocolate, of course. We'll celebrate with a batch of canned cacao beans. *produces a can of expertly preserved, precision-cut chocolate squares from his desk drawer* CHARLIE: The chocolate? WONKA: The chocolate, yes, the chocolate, but that's just the beginning. We have to get on, we have so much time, and so little to do. Strike that. Reverse it. This way please. We'll take the Wonkavator. Step in, Charlie. Grandpa Joe, sir. This is the Great Glass Wonkavator, a marvel of modern canning technology! *carefully opens the elevator doors, revealing a can-lined interior* GRANDPA JOE: It's an elevator. WONKA: Ah, yes, the Wonkavator! Canned to perfection, every detail considered. Even the elevator music is canned and carefully curated for maximum enjoyment. *smirks* Step in, Charlie. We have a chocolate-filled future ahead of us! Here's the rewritten canpunk text: WONKA: Behold! The Wonkavator - an elevator that defies gravity and convention, just like my beloved canned peanut butter. An elevator can only go up and down, but this marvel of engineering can pivot sideways, slope off to the side, traverse longways, backtrack, square away, frontward, and any which way you can think of. It's a can-do spirit in action! The Wonkavator takes you to any room in the entire factory by simply pressing one of these conveniently canned buttons. Any of them will do - just like selecting the perfect canned soup for a cozy evening. Just press a button, and ZING! You're off! And I've pressed every single button... except this one. Go ahead, Charlie. Try it! CHARLIE: Me? (He pushes the button.) WONKA: Ah-ha! The suspense is killing me - almost as thrilling as opening a fresh can of sardines for lunch! Hold on tight, because we're about to blast off into the great unknown. CHARLIE: Get through what? WONKA: Ah, my curious young friend, you'll just have to wait and see. Faster, faster... If we don't gain enough speed, we might not make it out of this can-filled wonderland in one piece! GRANDPA JOE: You mean we're going...? WONKA: Up and out! Just like a perfectly preserved can of pineapple rings - bursting forth into the bright light of day! GRANDPA JOE: But this roof is made of delicate, crisscross-patterned glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces, just like an overfilled canned good! We'll be cut to ribbons by the sharp edges and shards! WONKA: Probably. Hold on, everybody - here it comes!